accepting grace

It began all over again with a phone call.

Fifteen years ago today.

A boy who was the closest to my heart than anyone, had been out of my life for several years when unexpectedly he chose courage and me again.

Though I didn't accept his invitation to go out that night, I did invite him to call again.

And when he did, just weeks after I'd made the most difficult decision of my life -- feeling ashamed, confused, and beaten up -- I told him I had a secret.

     He went through every possibility to guess what it could be.
     He even named it, though I denied it.

His guessing of my sin was enough for me to think maybe he had enough grace inside of him to accept me --

     even though I... 

And so for awhile I kept hope inside and this secret tucked away, safe and sound for fear he would go away again.

A year and a half later I finally let truth be known.

Because I finally realized our togetherness wasn't safe or sound with a secret between us.

     And just as I had hoped, his response was to stay.

A secret untied and spiraled in a beautiful celebration of {grace}. 

It wasn't long until we were engaged. And hardly anyone was surprised, except for me --

     the one who carries hope so cautiously,

          as if it might plummet from my heart that holds it, crash to pieces 

               and become nothing but a waste of life. 

We hurried our wedding along. And I admit that it was all because of my fear. 

     What if he decides differently with time? 

Still, for nearly 12 years I've worn this band on my finger --  

     the ring that reminds me there is no beginning or end to love. 

     the one with a cross etched in it that reminds me of Him in us. 

It has been nearly a decade of working at our story of togetherness. 

And last night I fell apart. In the kitchen. Making dinner for us; now three from us two. 

I was almost paralyzed by fear again. 

     Of not being accepted -- for being me in all my messed up choices. 

I didn't want to choose courage and talk through details to make a decision together.

I shouted and made a mess and I just wanted to hide myself away.

But grace just looked back at me, sitting there at the table while I ranted and raved.

And even though I went to bed with this shame keeping him an arms length away, he will wake up and we'll do togetherness again.

I am accepted and loved. And overwhelmed. 

So here we are on Thanksgiving Day with all those years gone by and I choose gratitude --

     for {grace}.  
     and the courage to accept it.

__________________________________________

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thanks

It's a life of it that is my hope.

Not an expected series of writing pieces, or a fad-following play on the days.

To me, true gratitude is all about how my days are lived out in this *whirl and twirl* --

     and that's Real worship.

A list will never be enough.

May this heart forever reflect thanks for the grace given.

: : : 

It might possibly be quieter here in this space for the next several weeks, 

as I press in to the simpler kind of worship -- 

where holy meets the lowly and where perfection is snuffed out for reflection.

__________________________________________

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what if the blessing is the *no*?

For a long time I've had an ache, a *longing* that has been so painful.

I've written about it.  I've talked about it. I've prayed about it.  And I've even asked for it go away.  Yet, the ache is for what I thought was God's plan - a vision from Him.

How would I be patient in the waiting?  

The waiting was is hard.  It was is painful.  I began to want it more and more.  Until, it was simply too much of a want.  Then, I asked for the desire to go away.

God answered.  No longer did I want all the responsibilities that would come along with the *longing* coming true. Yet, my heart still had room for the blessing, if it would come to be.  The ache vision {seemed to} remain(ed), even in spite of my mind saying no, thank you.

What does a person do with what appears to be a vision?  What does she do with an ache, a *longing* that she can't make go away - that He doesn't take away - until He does, and the vision remains.

How does she continue to believe in Someone who she cannot physically see, and yet she does see in so many ways?  How does she continue trusting when it seems so obvious the vision won't come to be?  

I've been wrestling in a big way.  Last week I even dared to utter the words, I hate you, to the God who created me and you, and this whole wide world.  I didn't want to believe any more, and yet I did.  I felt tortured.

In the pain of the ache, I am drawing ever nearer to God in the most amazing ways.  His ways are higher than mine.  He wants what's best for me.  And this, this ache, I'm seeing - it's good for me because it draws me to Him.

I think if He answered my *longing* perhaps I wouldn't be this close to Him, and that scares me.

I am at a crossroads right now.  Trust in this ache, or...

I can't think of another option.  All roads lead to Him.  I cannot move without Him providing breath, and He has become so evident in every thing.

So, I live on.  

This life - everything about this life I have - is for great purpose.  Everything that happens has great meaning.  Deep significance.  My life has been blessed and continues to be blessed, and I believe today that the hard times like the aching of my heart, is really one of the greatest blessings ever.  How it brings me closer to His love, and so much more.

Through walking this vision I've come to places I wouldn't have otherwise.  I've come to acceptance of God's will, and to seeing His goodness in Every. Thing.

I am receiving Grace for myself and living without chains that I only thought were bound to me out of deservedness.

I am seeing I deserve this {Grace} full *life* and to live wholly and uniquely me, because He made me this way - not because of anything I did or didn't do. I am learning to trust Him.

All along in my living with this ache in my heart, I've feared.  I've feared what if it isn't true?  I wonder why I feared.  Did I think - Then what?  How will I live?  What will come of my purpose?  I don't think so.  But, perhaps.

I've pondered the *why* of my ache and came face-to-face with my sorrows and grief, and my sadness and shame.  I've wanted to atone for my choices and to tangibly see - to believe - that nothing is wrong with me.

I have a voice that wasn't there prior to this *longing.*  And in walking through this valley of *longing* - of aching for a vision I thought was God-placed - I've seen things I wouldn't have otherwise.  And it's brought me to here.  To the writing.  To seeing *my* God-carved-heart.  And to sharing with people who I wouldn't have otherwise shared with.

Perhaps in the aching I've been used to touch some one else's heart.

The other day I wrote a post intended to be for my groom. God has brought that post back to the forefront of my mind in a powerful way.  Because He wrote that post.  Not me.  He reminds me of the words - that my life {still} has purpose and meaning, even if my greatest *longing* never comes to be.

For all of these blessings I unwrap today, I give thanks.

a meaningful *gift*

As a parent I want to give my son what he wants and what he needs.  Give.  Without him doing anything to earn or deserve it.

Sometimes, I need to teach and sometimes learning is the ultimate gift.

The boy needed a new bicycle.  His first-one-ever has become outgrown and for his safety he needs something that fits him better.

We could have just bought him one.  And we intended to.  Until a different kind of thought came to my groom's mind: maybe the boy-man should contribute.

It was a thought that was prompted by a comment my mother made the evening prior.  "Do you have money for {a new bike}?"

That question settled on my groom's heart and he wrestled with whether to give freely, or give a lesson.  He called me and we discussed his thinking.  His good thinking.  Together we decided what my groom had already discussed with the boy-man - he would contribute.  And so we paid for half and he paid the other half.

I think back to the wondering in my heart that morning, as I wrestled with whether to give the boy-man his allowance earlier than I planned - before he raised a significant amount to *spend* in a meaningful way.

Because I know the boy-man doesn't know the value of money yet, and he doesn't know what to buy with it, I intended to help him control his urge to buy some-thing he doesn't even want or need.  And yet, I could sense his desire to buy with his own money - his excitement for having earned the opportunity to spend.

God heard that wonder in my heart and He received it as a prayer.  I looked to Him for guidance.  He provided an opportunity to teach - a lesson in *spending* on something important and meaningful.

Sometimes we have to step back and not give so freely in the ways we usually do.

Sometimes the giving needs to happen in the withholding.  In the learning. 

My Father gives me just what I need - an opportunity to do *spend my time - {my life}* in a meaningful way.  To teach.  And to *see* His purpose in parenting.

Thank you, Lord, for knowing what we *need* more than we do.  

____________________________________________

Unwrapped *Gifts* of {Grace}...

...blueberry pancakes to celebrate the first day of Spring...

...how an empty house reminds me of the empty space my grandparents lives once filled...

...the boy-child's excitement for a field trip...

...a welcoming porch with places to sit and relax...

...how the piano ignites feelings of calm and peace...

...a difficult conversation laden with grace...

...my own mother's warm embrace...

a thankful heart :: home

It's where I'm most comfortable and where I am entirely me.
There are no masks or personas to live up to here.
I walk in the door and {sigh}, as if I've just come in from a storm.
As if I've been walking for miles upon miles...

It's where I am suddenly tired.


Home.

Most nights I can be found asleep on the couch, curled up under a blanket wrapped tightly around me, pillows under my head and behind my back, and my husband close by.  I'm not sure what it is about Home that makes me feel tired - so comfortable.

Love is wrapped up in this place.  I am allowed to be me and to let go of all of the performances.  

I think of my son lately and the acting that this six-year-old has been putting on with all of his stories - trying to be like other people and making up stories that aren't his to tell.


I think of how tired he must be from keeping up with all the stories and the acting.  

I tell him that his life is important and that the day's he is given are gifts to be treasured.  I ask him     what were his favorite parts of the day, as his head lays on his pillow.  He asks me to tell him a story...a story from before I was a Mama.  I remind him that the stories I tell him are my stories - my true stories.

        I encourage him to be himself.
        I name his gifts, one by one.
        I speak outloud the truth of how special he is
             and how important he is to so many people,
        and
              to God's Story.

And then I think about how each day when I leave the comfort of this place - of our home - it is so difficult to live true.

With all the comparisons we all make, and with all the envy around us and self-inflicted guilt of not doing or saying something that we think we should, we aren't being true to ourselves.

We aren't honoring who we are.  We aren't living our story.

No wonder I find myself so tired.  

There is one place in the whole world where I can lay down the charades and just be me.  

For the comfort of home, I am incredibly grateful today!

a thankful heart :: giving love

Tonight I'm going to take my son by the hand, bring him to a full-length mirror and sit in front of it with him.  

He won't understand what I'm doing.  But I'm going to do it anyway.

I'll tell him how special he is, and how beautiful he is.  I'll talk about his heart and what I see as he lives out loud each day.  I'll name his gifts one by one.  And I'll tell him about oh, the places he goes every day - the love he gives, the kindness he shares, the gentleness he is all about.  The lives he touches.  I'll talk about how strong he is and how important he is to the world - right now, just the way he is.

He might declare that I am crazy, give me a funny look with a scrunched up nose and raised eye brows, and he might even walk away...

I'll do it any way.

Even if it doesn't last more than half a second, I'll know that my attempt was still a good use of my life.  The more I talk craziness with him about how special he is, the more I know I am living with purpose.

And maybe, just maybe the experience will remind me of my own value - just the way I am, right now.


I'm so thankful today for the gift of love.

a thankful heart :: love that keeps on keeping on

Love embraces instead of allowing distance.

I have only been a mother for six years.  I haven't lived long as a parent.  I'm only six.  Not just my son, but me.  I am six years old as a mother.

Grace gives me this perspective.

And Grace lovingly embraces me in my sadness.

I've been hurt and saddened by the reality that my son won't always need me to cuddle him, and he won't always express his happiness for my gentle, sweet and loving tone toward him.  His words feel hard sometimes.  They hurt.  He doesn't seem to appreciate me and he doesn't seem to want me around.

I feel value-less sometimes.

Yet, Grace reminds me of the Truth that I have great value.  I must continue on.  No. Matter. What.  I must be willing to give, even when it hurts and even when it doesn't seem to be wanted.

It hurts.

I walk away.  And I know I shouldn't.

But I do it anyway.

Love reminds me that I am only six-years a mother.  And like I do with my six-year-old, my Father holds me and doesn't make me feel badly.  My feelings were hurt.  It's painful sometimes to be a mother.  I'm still growing.  I'm still learning.  My Father doesn't expect that at nearly 31, I need to have it all together.  He doesn't stop holding me in his arms and caressing me, and showering me with his love.  His tone with me continues to be gentle.

Even when I shrug Him off and appear as though I don't need Him.

He keeps on keeping on in His love for me.  What an awareness to take with me as a mother.

For Love that embraces even though it hurts, I am thankful today.

a thankful heart :: still useful

So, I was thinking today...I am still useful. (And so are you, by the way.)

Even though you struggled then.

Even though you complained then.

Even though you didn't quite know then what you know now; and even if you did, you didn't do it very well.

Even if you went the other way instead of this way.

You are still useful. Your Story of then still has meaning and purpose. Your Story of then can still ignite passion in others and inspire creativity for a different perspective.

As a young mother - a freshly new mother - I handled things differently than I think I would now. And tempted as I am to regret the before, I can't. That was me then. I did the best I could then.

And now? Now I can look at things differently and think how grateful I am to see through a clearer lens. My lens today has six years bringing it more clarity and greater focus on what really matters. And yet today will look so cloudy years from now, just as years before look cloudy today.

It's all about perspective to realize that every part of the story is still useful.

My experiences as a freshly new mother enable me to be more encouraging to someone today. Not to do anything different, really. But mostly to respect, honor and love herself.

I see that a little bit clearer today. I understand the importance of that kind of love more than I did even an hour ago. It really is important to respect ourselves by doing what feels comfortable to us, most especially.

When asking my mother which shoes I should wear, she would always say "what feels the most comfortable" and that would prompt me to think of practical comfort over fashion.

That same mother of mine would encourage me to do things for myself and to take care of myself, first. I didn't understand her. I thought that I could wait. But I couldn't.

I need to honor my true self by doing things the way it feels most comfortable for me, not how I should do things according to him, or her, or pop culture. I need to honor that innate prompting inside me that steers me toward my natural inclination of doing things my unique way.

I need to love my true self by accepting that I will have bang-ups and hang-ups, and that doesn't mean that I am any less worthy. Tomorrow I will learn something about today, even though today I made adjustments from what I learned yesterday. I'll always have room to grow, and yet loving my true self accepts my whole self.

I need to respect my true self by making adjustments along the way that bring me back to honor and love for myself.

So much to ponder about honor, love and respect for ourselves, and I'll save that for another day.

But today - today I choose to be thankful that my Story is still useful. Even though it wasn't what it would be today, if I had it to do over again, the then is still filled with use and purpose.

How about you? What can you see in your life then that is still useful today, when you thought it wasn't?

a thankful heart :: not finished

As I give thanks and call out specific blessings that have come my way, perhaps the biggest blessing is that which I don't even talk about much. And yet, it truly is one of my most prized gifts to unwrap each day and one I am most thankful for receiving. It's the blessing of knowing -truly knowing - I am not finished.

Being a college graduate, a wife, a mother, and in my 30s, doesn't make me finished. I still have opportunities to learn and grow - and to grow without even fully learning, which is one of the most amazing aspects of Grace.

I am not expected to have it all together.

In fact, not much is expected of me, and perhaps nothing at all is expected of me and I am going out on a limb by saying that. For, if God expects of us, then doesn't that mean if we fail to meet His expectations that He'll love us less? Because He won't.

My gratitude for not being finished relates to not having to know it all, or to do what I do know in a perfect way, every single time. NO. WAY!

And so, it's really Grace that I am thankful for today. Grace to live as fully me, knowing I am not finished.

a thankful heart :: awareness

It came into my mind like a soft, gentle breeze that awakens the senses of lilacs in full bloom. I hadn't been aware until that moment and the sweetness was overwhelming.

This was truly a monumental awareness.

And here it is...I (seem to) no longer have an overwhelming concern with what they think. My parents that is.

And...This. Is. Huge.

I am feeling more free to be me and to respect my immediate family and our choices. Without giving immediate and focused attention in my mind on what my parents might think - about me...about my husband...about how we raise our son...

{Deep, full breath}

For the awareness of healing today, Father God, I am incredibly thankful...

How about you? What has come into your awareness lately that you have unwrapped as a gift and now bring to the Father's feet in complete thankfulness?

a thankful heart :: asking and receiving

it was his birthday the next day. he was turning 6. she thinks of small, special things to help him feel special - mini cupcakes to share with his class, cinnamon buns for breakfast, special napkins and even a "happy birthday" sign to hang in the kitchen.

he knows she'll do special things for him - mommy's are like that. she can count on him too, for knowing and trusting in her.

so he asks her if he could have something special for breakfast. she answers "yes!" and asks if he would like to make a choice, or if he wants her to decide.

"you decide, mama."

he knows she'll pick well. he trusts her. he relies on her. he needs her to decide, actually. for him, it's just too overwhelming - the excitement of anticipation.

our Father in Heaven knows what we'll like best, too. He's good like that. we can trust Him. we can even ask Him to do special things for us. He's just waiting for us to ask. Grace is all wrapped up for us to receive.

and for that i'm incredibly thankful...

how about you - what are you thankful for?