Sunday, March 27, 2011

Enamored by {Peace}

He calls me mama and my heart swells with joy.  Every. Time.

I could have not had this.

These days begin with the thump of two-little-growing-feet hitting the floor and what always sounds like a quick dash, maybe even a run, to start his day.  These days end with him gently touching my hair and telling me about his favorite parts of his day.

Not every moment is glorious or even fun.  I grow weary of the discipline and being consistent in the lessons we impart upon him.  There are times when I want to retreat into my fifteen-minute-vacation behind a locked bathroom door, every fifteen-minutes.  I don't always want to play with the boy.  Some times it's cold {in my heart} and I don't want to toss a ball and be a part of our family activities after dinner.

But, I think - I could not have this.  It could be gone later today, or perhaps I could just never have it all to begin with.

Such. Grace.

I don't feel old enough to be a mother, and still I nearly cry whenever I hear him say mama.

Mama...Such. Grace.

A childhood friend recently sent me some pictures from when I was a little girl - from before she first knew me.  I'm guessing I discovered these old pictures in my mother's private space way back then and asked my friend to hide them away, knowing that someday I'd want to keep them for myself.

It's probably been 25 years since my little-girl pictures have been hidden away, and now they've been found.

I look hard and long at the little girl with long blonde hair and the one where she has pony-tails.  I'm enamored by her and I don't know why.  I can't get enough of this little girl and I'm a bit ashamed for how often I steal a glance at the pictures of her, and I wonder if anyone else looks at pictures of themselves from when they were young quite like I do.

The little girl I see doesn't have any idea about the world around her.  She's in her own little world - happy and {peace} full.  I know my parents had issues during the time those pictures were taken, and yet the little girl I see is able to smile.  Seeing *this* makes my heart go all wild inside.

It feels like a magical year of sorts, this year.  And it's not even over yet.  It isn't so much being thirty-one, or seeing my own son live happy and {peace} full in the years that haunted me for so long, as it is discovering myself - who I was created to be.

I've always tried to know me.

Friends have said I know myself better than anyone could know themselves, but it wasn't true.  I tried so hard to find *me* - that little girl inside of me who is happy and at peace.

I wanted {peace}.

This year I'm receiving peace.  I'm living in peace.  Trying so hard isn't so much my focus anymore.  I'm beginning to see how much I am loved - for being me.

I *feel* like a little girl inside and yet each time I look in the mirror there are years that have left lines - some straight and some curved.  I think of how God writes the years of my life and I see that the lines aren't always straight.

In the past four years I've been places where I would not have chosen for me.  And the truth is, I've lived 31 years on a road I would not - and could not - have chosen for me.  And yet, it all *feels* so right somehow.

I respond to mama by the little-face I see standing next to me - the little-boy face who can be seen in my own little-girl face in those pictures from years long ago.  It brings me to tears to see how this child - this boy-man who chatters to me and who wants to be with me - was created from my own life.

My son is different from me in so many ways, and yet in other ways we're the same.  God knew a son would save me.  The symbolism is overwhelming.  I see how He uses children as messengers of His love in all its purity.  This is such a deeply beautiful gift to see.

There's much more I have to say about all of this - about the recent four years {and being mama}, and how grouped together they have wrecked who I made myself to be.  I've come undone and became more of who I was created to be.  I've come face-to-face with that little girl inside of me who is still who she always was - happy and {peace}-full.


Unwrapped *Gifts* of {Grace}...

...being listened to and cared about...

...giggling in bed with my little boy...

...not being forgotten about...

...a family walk in the rain...

...noticing kind, thoughtful, gentle love from my groom...

...a young boy's excitement for a class field trip...

...skipping and galloping... I hear so much from God during my long drives for work...

...the still little-sounding voice of my child...

...letting God have His way with those I love...

...feeling {peace}...


  1. So glad I read your post! There is much in it that I see echoed my own life. I have two little boys and I wouldn't trade them for anything. What a joy it is to find so much love. : )

  2. I’ll be reading these thank you lists all week, so much good stuff. So sorry I’m late, it’s Wednesday, but I made it to yours and first of all – wow – just wow – I’m glad that little boy has worked magic on you – I know there must be so much more as well – but thank you for this.

    and as for your thank you’s, this one is my favorite from your list this week: ...feeling {peace}... (I have contentment pretty much all the time. – peace is more fleeting – Happy you have some right now)

    Thank you for your list. It was good to read it this day. God Bless and Keep you and yours.