living gratefully :: tugs

There's an aching I feel rise up. And I can't help but notice.

Coming from my heart, desire is made known again. I remember.

As life *whirls and twirls*, it feels diluted and I tend to shrug it off as unimportant.

When I am tugged at--whipped around to notice--I am reminded of its place.

There's value there. Purpose.

My heart's desire is shelved for Today.
Yet, it doesn't mean that I can't notice her up there.
And when she tugs, I stoop low.

I honor Him by noticing and remembering.

I believe that we'll be part of it someday, in some way. 
Our *heart's desire.*

I have no idea what that means or what it will look like.

As the days tick on, I sometimes believe less and less.
I often say it doesn't matter.
I make excuses for looking the other way.

I feel shame for how it doesn't make sense.

Still, though...
     Hungry children humble me.
     Abandoned children ignite my insides.
     Orphaned children tug at me.

None of this makes sense for me, Today.
But, when I See, I feel the tugs. 
And the tugs make me *remember*.

Acknowledging my heart's desire by the tugs--this is my gratitude.
And trusting in them, this is my worship.

I'm following five of Compassion's bloggers this week as they witness firsthand Compassion International's ministry to children in the highlands of Ecuador, near Quito and the Amazon basin. 

In the process, I feel the *tug*. 

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what if the blessing is the *no*?

For a long time I've had an ache, a *longing* that has been so painful.

I've written about it.  I've talked about it. I've prayed about it.  And I've even asked for it go away.  Yet, the ache is for what I thought was God's plan - a vision from Him.

How would I be patient in the waiting?  

The waiting was is hard.  It was is painful.  I began to want it more and more.  Until, it was simply too much of a want.  Then, I asked for the desire to go away.

God answered.  No longer did I want all the responsibilities that would come along with the *longing* coming true. Yet, my heart still had room for the blessing, if it would come to be.  The ache vision {seemed to} remain(ed), even in spite of my mind saying no, thank you.

What does a person do with what appears to be a vision?  What does she do with an ache, a *longing* that she can't make go away - that He doesn't take away - until He does, and the vision remains.

How does she continue to believe in Someone who she cannot physically see, and yet she does see in so many ways?  How does she continue trusting when it seems so obvious the vision won't come to be?  

I've been wrestling in a big way.  Last week I even dared to utter the words, I hate you, to the God who created me and you, and this whole wide world.  I didn't want to believe any more, and yet I did.  I felt tortured.

In the pain of the ache, I am drawing ever nearer to God in the most amazing ways.  His ways are higher than mine.  He wants what's best for me.  And this, this ache, I'm seeing - it's good for me because it draws me to Him.

I think if He answered my *longing* perhaps I wouldn't be this close to Him, and that scares me.

I am at a crossroads right now.  Trust in this ache, or...

I can't think of another option.  All roads lead to Him.  I cannot move without Him providing breath, and He has become so evident in every thing.

So, I live on.  

This life - everything about this life I have - is for great purpose.  Everything that happens has great meaning.  Deep significance.  My life has been blessed and continues to be blessed, and I believe today that the hard times like the aching of my heart, is really one of the greatest blessings ever.  How it brings me closer to His love, and so much more.

Through walking this vision I've come to places I wouldn't have otherwise.  I've come to acceptance of God's will, and to seeing His goodness in Every. Thing.

I am receiving Grace for myself and living without chains that I only thought were bound to me out of deservedness.

I am seeing I deserve this {Grace} full *life* and to live wholly and uniquely me, because He made me this way - not because of anything I did or didn't do. I am learning to trust Him.

All along in my living with this ache in my heart, I've feared.  I've feared what if it isn't true?  I wonder why I feared.  Did I think - Then what?  How will I live?  What will come of my purpose?  I don't think so.  But, perhaps.

I've pondered the *why* of my ache and came face-to-face with my sorrows and grief, and my sadness and shame.  I've wanted to atone for my choices and to tangibly see - to believe - that nothing is wrong with me.

I have a voice that wasn't there prior to this *longing.*  And in walking through this valley of *longing* - of aching for a vision I thought was God-placed - I've seen things I wouldn't have otherwise.  And it's brought me to here.  To the writing.  To seeing *my* God-carved-heart.  And to sharing with people who I wouldn't have otherwise shared with.

Perhaps in the aching I've been used to touch some one else's heart.

The other day I wrote a post intended to be for my groom. God has brought that post back to the forefront of my mind in a powerful way.  Because He wrote that post.  Not me.  He reminds me of the words - that my life {still} has purpose and meaning, even if my greatest *longing* never comes to be.

For all of these blessings I unwrap today, I give thanks.