Sometimes it takes awhile

Seeing God's Hand sometimes takes awhile.  A long while.

Really understanding and believing that He is good, sometimes that takes awhile to believe.  To see that He has a plan and that it isn't to harm, but to bring goodness - this comes through living life a little.  And to see that His Story for us isn't over - isn't complete - and that He uses everything to bring beauty and peace to lives beyond our own.  Life needs to be lived sometimes all the way to Heaven, and sometimes just a couple of seasons changes.

I lost a daughter nearly nine years ago.  She was nourished by me and lived inside me for just fourteen weeks.  Her life was big enough to fill dreams years long.  It was a long enough time to think I felt her movements.

We hadn't known we would be having a daughter until after her delivery, at my postpartum check-up several weeks later.  I was by myself when the doctor told me, a girl.  We decided against testing beyond chromosomal-stuff and made efforts to get on with our life as quickly as possible, while also allowing ourselves some time to grieve.  Getting back on the horse was all I could think about, and so I mustered all I could to get myself back to work relatively quickly after lying in bed and crying for days.

For two weeks straight I cried every single day.  I couldn't understand what had happened.  The life that was growing inside of me, with a real heart beat...suddenly stopped.

Since then, I've been on a mission to find out what happened.  Why did that life just stop living?

I didn't denounce God.  I didn't question that He took her from us.  I just forgot to think that He was involved in this at all.  I just never thought about how He had a role - that He allowed this, that He chose this.  

Recently I've gotten a smidge closer to finding out what might have possibly happened to my baby girl's life.  It's possible that I contracted Fifths Disease and her little body wasn't yet strong enough to stave off the affects of the disease, and so perhaps it struck her heart.  If Fifths Disease is to blame, her little body likely was exposed to the virus for weeks and slowly her body was attacked until her heart couldn't muster another beat.

At the same time my mystery could possibly be solved, I've also gotten to a point where I realize that it doesn't matter.  I don't need to know.  I see - truly see - that God was in this, and He continues to be in this even now.  He is a Good God who wants nothing more than for us to trust Him.

Trust has been so hard for me, just as it is for so many people.  I've had a few instances when I thought I might be pregnant and the latest one rings loundly in my mind as I remember the angst I felt.  Such fear.  What if I lose another?  I can't bear to lose another.  What if we lose another and then we can't find the strength to try again?  I was so fearful I couldn't even take the risk.

The fear was paralyzing.

I think of our little boy-man and how he's got such a nearly perfect health.  And I think I don't want to tempt fate, and then I'm ashamed for thinking that way.  God was in my little boy-man's life and even if he didn't have all the health he does, God would still be in the creation of his life.  God would still be Good.  God's Goodness doesn't change.

I've heard God is good for most of my life.  I've sang it and shouted it, but I'm not sure I ever really believed it, until recently.

Now I see that God is Good.

God doesn't want to hurt me.  God was in this.  God continues to be in this.  And, His Story for me isn't over.

He makes beauty from ashes.

God is so much bigger than the medical charts that my doctor is still chasing down.  God is so much bigger than percentages.  God is so much bigger than even my pain, and my confusion, and my fear, and my doubt, and my questions.

I'm being led to a place of greater Trust.  It's such a freeing place to trust in God's Goodness and His Love and His Peace.  Surrendering my need to know and my idolizing the medical doctors, I see just how personal God is and how close He is to me.  And how He knows - So. Much. More.

It's taken awhile to truly trust God for that baby's early passing - the passing of my daughter.  I'm still finding it hard sometimes and when I think that her life was so short and ended too early, His soft and gentle voice very quickly tells me "Who are you to know?"  And I'm thankful.  I'm thankful that God knows better than me and that He uses this brief life to show so much about Him.  And, that my baby girl's life didn't have to be prolonged here on Earth to get to Forever Life in Heaven.

We don't know what we don't know, and I didn't know just how good God is and He knew it.  He knew it'd take me all this time to get to where I am now - acceptance of His Plan and trust in His Hand.  And yet, I still don't quite know the fullness of His Goodness, and so I take a Risk to Trust that He has a plan and it's to help me know Him more.

The truth is, sometimes it takes a whole lot of hurt and ugliness to even begin to display His radiance.  Such a painful truth.  So hard to say yes to and choose trust.

These days I'm reading a book about God's Grace in everything and how thankfulness leads us to knowing about His Glory.  It's a beautifully written book that affirms what He's told me all along, and I'm grateful for the heart of thankfulness that I was given, oh so long ago.  A heart that inately knows all gifts come from Him - even painful ones.  

A blogger friend told me that "There is no new truth.  Only new voices."  What I read and what I write isn't new when it comes to the truth about God's Grace.  I'm so thankful for how He uses our differences in voices to get through to us, to cut through the noise and help us to trust.

I'm so thankful for the years He allows and uses to patiently wait for me to see His goodness.  


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Gifts of Gratitude...


...a pat on the tush...
...thoughtfulness of a husband to include me in his schedule...
...phone chats with new friends...
...neighborhood friends for the little one...
...the laughter of children...
...pizza on Sunday...on the floor...watching a new-to-us sport...
...me-time to write...
...making Valentine's for my boy-man...
...seeing how the way I love our boy is love to my groom...
...tooth fairy visits...
...cold, wet feet from melting snow...
...being seen and kept safe on a run at daybreak...
...the surprise of mild temperatures in the middle of February...
...cushioned running shoes...
...help to make the boy's lunch...
...watching a true story of a young boy's fight with cancer, and the tears it brought to our eyes...
...sweet treats...
...pumpkin bread in February...