when relationship is worship

I once lived in a house with seven other girls.

It was one girl's friendship toward me that encouraged me to do it. She expressed an interest in me. I remember how she was so nice to me. I remember it as the first time someone wanted me to do something with them. This girl quickly became a real life friend.

Yet, one day, specifically, I remember not wanting her in my life.
I couldn't let her *in.*

This friend and I both left for classes at the same time and we'd often walk together. But on one particular day, and maybe for several days, I couldn't do it. I had to walk way ahead of her. I'd rush out of the house to avoid her.

Though we never talked about it, I knew my attitude toward my friend was less than grateful and heavy on the leave-me-alone side.I'm not sure what I was dealing with that would keep her out, but I remember how I felt with the wall between us.

I needed her and I missed her.

Why is it that friends keep quiet when they need *relationship* the most?

Do we fear we won't be accepted?

That girl became one of my best friend's. She sang in my wedding and stood by my side as I committed to Every. Day. with my forever-groom. She's stood in the gap for me and accepted me with arms wide open and a heart of understanding.

Years later, I was married and she wasn't (yet), and I lost a baby four months into my pregnancy. I struggled in thinking that I deserved this fate and at the same time, I prepared myself to keep my friend out.

After delivering a baby way too early and coming home empty handed, I sent an email to several people with my best friend in mind. I didn't want any phone calls and didn't want to talk about it. My announcement was an arm extended with a message to keep away. To this day we still have hardly talked about it.

Why do we allow ourselves to hurt *longer*
instead of seeking comfort from those who care?

Do we fear we won't be understood?
Do we fear we won't be given freedom to live our own way?

My mom has recently learned the news that her best childhood friend has been living a scary year--her husband has brain cancer. It hurt her to find out her friend is hurting.

In learning the heart aching news, my mom realized that she hadn't let her best friend know of her own heart break nearly a year ago--her own mother's death. Yet, she'd hop a plane or drive a day away if she knew her friend needed her.

Why are friends often shared with only when it's *safe*?

Do other people's stories make us think our own story isn't
worthy enough? 

Questions begin to fill my mind...

Why we keep out people who love us?
Why do we shy away from sharing bad news?
Why is *life* not shared?

I can't help but wonder why we do this to ourselves.
And most especially, I can't help but think about Worship.

When we reach out and share our story...

...when we call and tell the truth...
...when we admit our weakness...
...when we admit our imperfection--our humanness...
...when we lean on another...

We honor the One who created it all.

And most especially, we give permission to others
{Grace}
to Worship *free* in the Real. 

That honors Him the most, I think.

Telling. {and} Inviting. 

{After all, He did tell us to Go and Tell, right?}


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reflecting on a decade (and more) of Grace

It seems funny in a way to pay so much attention to a decade. In the scope of a lot of years, ten doesn't seem like much. I have a grandmother who will turn Ninety this year. Nine decades worth of living. Now, that seems like a long time to reflect upon. And yet, I know there are children born who don't live close to even one decade, and their lives have such an influence on others - so many lessons learned through a life briefly lived.

The first decade of my life I was still a child. Becoming more independent and still such a little girl. In the second decade of my life I was preparing for a marriage I knew would be nearing the corner in the following year. I was finishing up at college and still so self absorbed. Now, in my third decade of life I celebrate a decade of marriage today. I have been married for a third of my life and have learned more in this time decade about the things that really seem to matter - much more than just good manners or sport management.

I feel older. It's the first time in my life that I actually feel older. I can see it, too. The years are adding up and I feel more credible to be speaking with wise words on occasion, or even in being a mother. I haven't learned it all and I'll still struggle, I'm sure. But for now, I am seeing something that I didn't really notice before.

I am loved.

There's nothing I have to do, or even that I can do for God to love me any more or any differently. Like my child who falls and I run before I even hear the cry, my Father is there for me - even if it's right after I've stomped off and declared that I don't need Him to tell me what to do.

It's all to His honor that I celebrate the first decade of my marriage today. And it's in His honor that I lift up the first three decades of my life (plus a year). Now, more than ever, I see that it is all because of His Grace.  Even one moment - much less than one decade - can mean more than ten thousand lifetimes.  His purposes are beyond our comprehension and it is all because of His love that He guides and nourishes us along the way. 

a thankful heart :: still useful

So, I was thinking today...I am still useful. (And so are you, by the way.)

Even though you struggled then.

Even though you complained then.

Even though you didn't quite know then what you know now; and even if you did, you didn't do it very well.

Even if you went the other way instead of this way.

You are still useful. Your Story of then still has meaning and purpose. Your Story of then can still ignite passion in others and inspire creativity for a different perspective.

As a young mother - a freshly new mother - I handled things differently than I think I would now. And tempted as I am to regret the before, I can't. That was me then. I did the best I could then.

And now? Now I can look at things differently and think how grateful I am to see through a clearer lens. My lens today has six years bringing it more clarity and greater focus on what really matters. And yet today will look so cloudy years from now, just as years before look cloudy today.

It's all about perspective to realize that every part of the story is still useful.

My experiences as a freshly new mother enable me to be more encouraging to someone today. Not to do anything different, really. But mostly to respect, honor and love herself.

I see that a little bit clearer today. I understand the importance of that kind of love more than I did even an hour ago. It really is important to respect ourselves by doing what feels comfortable to us, most especially.

When asking my mother which shoes I should wear, she would always say "what feels the most comfortable" and that would prompt me to think of practical comfort over fashion.

That same mother of mine would encourage me to do things for myself and to take care of myself, first. I didn't understand her. I thought that I could wait. But I couldn't.

I need to honor my true self by doing things the way it feels most comfortable for me, not how I should do things according to him, or her, or pop culture. I need to honor that innate prompting inside me that steers me toward my natural inclination of doing things my unique way.

I need to love my true self by accepting that I will have bang-ups and hang-ups, and that doesn't mean that I am any less worthy. Tomorrow I will learn something about today, even though today I made adjustments from what I learned yesterday. I'll always have room to grow, and yet loving my true self accepts my whole self.

I need to respect my true self by making adjustments along the way that bring me back to honor and love for myself.

So much to ponder about honor, love and respect for ourselves, and I'll save that for another day.

But today - today I choose to be thankful that my Story is still useful. Even though it wasn't what it would be today, if I had it to do over again, the then is still filled with use and purpose.

How about you? What can you see in your life then that is still useful today, when you thought it wasn't?