Wednesday, November 30, 2011

how anger propels change

This impatience, angst, grumbling and longing has been good

I'm trusting Him that this is true.

Anger has been a part of my heart of late and it's directly related to the tugs.

I've wanted to be heard.

I've wanted the Different that my heart longs for, 
     and for *permission* to dive into it. 

So ready to jump, I am poised and waiting for the signal to Go!

I'm not sure what it is I'd be jumping into, except certainty tells me it'd be Trust, for sure.

In the waiting, I am learning to give myself the permission I long for. 
     To drop the rules and run freely Me

No one else can give me this.

The good girl in me wants affirmation. To know for sure what I think is right.

I question myself, though I discern well; my intuition strong.

As it's been a challenge to choose gratitude, I've counted anyway.

And in the counting I added anger to the list.

Anger propels change. 

It ignites the passion to live as Authentic-Me.

It fires the engine that makes me move.

It drowns out fear and reminds me of Truth.

And so I *consider* all things Different. 
     I carefully weigh the risks before me.

It's my choice now. Step forward and try, or shirk back and rest into now?

My worship is in my choosing.

Trusting there isn't a right or a wrong answer--that I wouldn't be less of a good girl for doing more resting and less risking--my muscles of courage are sand-like.

Heavy with fear. So heavy I have no choice but to choose courage.
     Because the searching for right has left me exhausted.

I don't See the why yet, but I cling to purpose in this story. 


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  1. "My worship is in my choosing."

    Yes, Amy. That's the key. You get to chose -- it is your life. Family responsibilities aside, you are still allowed to live a life that is meant for you. One where you take a risk every once in awhile and leap into God's arms in a big way.

    And yes, take hold of the fear turned courage and don't let go.

  2. Praying for your "courage" instead of "fear".
    Everyone battles this Amy. You are not alone.

  3. It's so refreshing to see such honest soul-searching. Yes, of course anger should not be denied and buried for the sake of wanting to be "good." That's psychotic. The healthy thing is to do what you are writing about here, to explore the anger, to let it tell you something about your life, about who you are, who you are not. I really appreciate this, and pray the best, most whole resolution for you.

  4. Good for you! Way to dig deep, and come up with the God-courage inside of you, Authentic You. Cheering you on from the sidelines today.