Dear Me

Dear Amy,

Though you will go through phases of wanting your name to be Heather (why? I surely don't know), you'll eventually come around to appreciate being named Amy, especially when you learn of it's meaning. Years down the road, when you're sitting with a minister who helps you to connect with God and the story He allowed for your life, his calling of you Beloved will bring it all together.

God chose your name. He designed your being. And He has your unique life in His hands.

You'll eventually come to see that He will make beauty out of the painful places in your heart, I promise you.

It's hard to believe it, but you will actually give true thanks for your parents' divorce and most especially for the hard, strangled up years of relationship mess between you and your father.

God will do remarkable things in your heart and you will develop empathy for your father to become one at 19, and hardly grown up enough to make sense of relationships. You'll be given an eye toward his heart that just might be battling shame all these years later, for how he might feel as though he's failed you and most especially God. Grace will allow you to love your father. And grace will allow you to choose to accept all of who he is, even if he's a different kind of dad than the one you desire most.

You will find it painful, but God will use you to help your mother grow. Her heart is very much wounded and she doesn't know grace for herself. Keep praying for her to surrender into His love and know that eventually you and she will look at your story of togetherness as nothing short of a miracle. The long road you'll live will lead to beauty. I promise.

     It's this grace that will send you head over heels into a transformation that will be your biggest testimony to God,
          because you know you never could have chosen to accept your parent's choices on your own.

I'd like to tell you not to rush ahead so much. Don't be in such a hurry to graduate from college...to get a job...to get married...to be a parent...for your dreams to be realized. I want to encourage you to s l o w  d o w n.

But...I see that He allows circumstances for purpose and you'll grow in the process of your rushing. He uses it for purpose. Just trust Him when you want to beat yourself up.

You will go through a brief period of looking for acceptance through friends in low places because you'll feel left out among the friends surrounding you. This will make you want to run and hide, knowing that you really aren't the bad girl you tried to be.

You'll realize that being known as a goodie two-shoes really isn't all that bad.

18-years down the road you will remember how a boy you went to school with protected you from drugs, though he was doing his own fair share. You'll see grace covered you back then. And you'll give thanks for all the times He protected you -- salvaged your life -- when you gave in to the darkness of alcohol those few years. Eventually you will walk away from it and declare it unsafe for you.

Diets will be declared as unsafe for you, too. And working-out a treacherous course. He'll teach you to be careful about your passion for health and you will learn what true wellness is all about. He'll give you a voice that encourages others to exercise carefully and deliberately focus on worship.

He'll send you on a journey of what worship is all about. You'll see it living and breathing among you. It will make you smile again and again. You won't be able to stop pointing it out. He'll lead you to tell others of it, and you'll be invited to obey--allowing your life to quake for Him.

He will bring you to a place of forgiveness for yourself. For choices you'll make and heartache you'll forever carry. He will see you through that time. And you will stand straight, I promise you.

Marriage will show you what commitment to stay is all about. You'll want to walk away and you'll battle the temptation for a long time. Likely forever.

He'll continue to show you His love when you scream and navigate the emotions raging inside of you that you struggle to allow. You learned to shout and to walk away when you were growing up and He'll mature you to live better than that, and those memories will help you to chose grace for your parents -- again and again -- for their story of struggle.

Parenting a boy will wreck you. Though you'll lose a baby girl growing inside of you and experience a painful and traumatic delivery of her, I promise you that gratefulness will grow out of that moment. You will learn more from having a son than you could ever imagine.

It will pain you immensely as you fight against your own pride of wanting to be in control. Again and again,

Your Boy-Man will show you what unconditional love and acceptance is all about. And again and again you will humbly apologize for being too rough or unfair or just plain grace-less. He'll accept you, wrap his arms around you, play with your hair and want only you.

Acceptance for yourself will unwrap itself through The Boy-Man's love and you'll begin to understand your groom even more as you drench yourself in the moments of learning from this child.

Though I haven't lived far into the parenting journey yet, I do know that you'll battle to trust God that He's got The Boy in His hands. That He specifically chose your groom for his father. And that if you or he does anything that wounds The Boy's heart, God will use it for purpose. It will be a hard learning.

He'll surely grow trust in you. To let go.

Beloved, don't be so concerned about doing the wrong thing or about what people will think of you. Live for God, alone.

Choose the courage to trust, even when you want to know what's around the corner. He'll slow your visionary heart, though He'll also use it for incredible purpose.

Keep ahold of those dreams He gives you -- the ones for adoption and South Africa and a foundation for the girls, and writing. Trust He will see you through and that He designed those dreams for your heart.

Be willing. It'll change the world for His glory.

You'll see, All. Is. For. Purpose. 

Keep on. 

My friend, Emily, wrote a book. 

And then she wrote a letter to herself. 

She encouraged us all to write letters to ourselves. 

So I did, though I don't have a younger version of myself. 

I don't think it matters. 

Just as it doesn't matter if you don't have your own place in this blog world. 

Write a letter to a younger version of yourself, anyway. Will you?

Five Minute Friday :: catch

You think you don't smile and I know otherwise.

The way your heart radiates joy, it's sometimes hard to see when you live with such intensity--always concerned for our well being. 

But when you surrender into the moment and trust in our happiness, I catch you drift into a place where you are free from the burden of keeping us safe and teaching us.

I catch you smile when I dance all wildish, *whirling and twirling* in my own living for a moment when I don't care what others think.

I catch your eyes closed and joy painted on your face when our son wraps his arms around you, sharing love that has grown in his heart. You feel accepted and treasured, for who you are and not what you've done.

I can See it.

Life is hard sometimes and it's often just too serious. But when I catch you letting loose and falling into a moment with abandoned fears, a piece of me feels the invitation to live free-er, too.

Will you catch me, and might I inspire you?

(Written for my groom; my blessing to partner with in this life.)
___________________________________________________________

On this day of most every week I write for just five minutes.

These days can be a challenge for me because as my groom says, I'm more of a novelist and not a short story teller; a (middle-)distance runner, not a sprinter. 

It's a challenge to See *purpose* in the brief, and like running I often think if it's not long it's not worth it. So, these five-minute sessions are important training for me, too. They're like the days when I do tempo runs instead of six-milers. Necessary.

I invite you to join me in today's brief, but necessary workout. Grab a napkin or your own spot in the corner of the web world. Visit other hearts, and share a little encouragement while you're at it. We all need a coach.

Join A {Grace} full *life* facebook community.

count your blessings

It's Command Central and it's where we *Count Our Blessings.*

The kitchen table holds Finner, the fish; a photo tray to collect the day's school papers and mail; and the wall that once had nothing on it, now is covered with reminders of the little-guy - the one who dances and prances, sings and sighs, and who unabashedly shares his emotions.

School papers and art work adorn this wall.

Our kitchen is not fancy, but it's colored with {Grace}. In this place we're reminded that these days we're living as a Mama and a Daddy are because of Our Father. 

This wall helps us start off our day focused {a little bit more} on *Gratitude*. We give thanks for all the simplish (and biggish) blessings we unwrap at the start (and the end) of each day. To be content with what we've been provided with keeps our perspective focused where it should be.

Unwrapping {Grace} as it is gifted -- every day -- helps us to See our Father in each moment.

As the day starts, we sit down and calmly eat breakfast, together. Stories of the previous day seem to roll off of the young-one's mind and we prepare ourselves for the day before us. Glancing over school work hanging on the wall focuses the Boy-Man on the tasks ahead of him. And still, it all feels as though it's all about him.

But dinner must be made and schedules kept to, so we keep track of that, too.

We try to {re} focus on the other *stuff* that we're blessed with, and we make it a point to count those gifts. We remember it's about Him.

The Boy-Man knows that I write - he's seen me blog, jot in a notebook or two, and he's seen me scramble for note cards to capture a thought. He's joined in on the savoring of ideas by keeping a Smile File to remember a part of the day that simply made him smile. Together we recount our Favorite Parts of the Day as I tuck him into bed.

All through the day we make conscious choices to give thanks and our *Gratitude Wall* becomes our Altar of Grace. 

I'm a part of a community that connects people with the heart of God -- a home for the hearts of women. Beautiful dreamers connected through DaySpring, the Christian subsidiary of  Hallmark, breathed purpose into passion.

Together, beautiful dreamers built (in)courage - one of my most favorite places in the world; a place where I {often} hear God's voice clearer than anywhere else. Life is real here and it's vibrant, and I'm always encouraged to know I'm not alone. I've had the opportunity to guest post over there at (in)courage, and I've always felt right at home.

This month (in)courage has given me the opportunity to be a blog reviewer of (in)spired deals for DaySpring products. The real cool thing is that I got to choose which product I'd like to unwrap as a gift. All I have to do is tell you about it. And really, it's quite simple.

DaySpring sent me a Count Your Blessings Memo Board and it's now on our *Gratitude Wall.* (You can see it under that yellow flower-clock).

The memo board keeps track of evening activities, along with listing what's for dinner (so the question is answered before it's asked). We can clip our gratitude lists up there, what made us smile, or an encouraging note.

(It comes with three super strong magnets that really do the job well!)


This truly is an inspiring (and helpful) product for our *Gratitude Wall*!

It's a daily choice we're living...
                   encouraging each other to unwrap the {Grace} and count the blessings.

Encouragement is a 

Powerful Thing

The DaySpring store has so many beautiful and inspiring products for all corners of a home. Take a peek over there to check it out for yourself. 


A disclosure...DaySpring gave me this lovely product for free to review. All the opinions shared here are my own. 

Five Minute Friday: If I knew I could, I would...

Lisa-Jo (a.k.a. The Gypsy Mama) created a weekly tradition.  She invites others to join her in throwing caution (editing, revising, and worrying) to the winds and just write.  Without wondering if it's right or not.

Writing your heart out.  For five minutes flat.


GO:

If I knew I could, I would...

...Encourage...

...Lead...

...and Inspire...

{women around the world} 

        
to have a *freely-joyful* marriage relationship with their groom.  

I would say...

Let him love you.

Let him touch you.

Let him look at you.

Let him accept you.

Let him speak truth to you.

Let the truth he speaks drown out all the doubt.

Spend time with him.

Make time together.

Apologize for your part.

Respect him.

Respect yourself.

Honor your feelings by sharing them.

Accept who you are and who he is right now.

Put yourself in his shoes.  Take on his perspective.

Share your perspective.

Pray together.

Pray for him.

Pray for yourself first.

Make time for yourself.

Spend time with solid friends who speak truth into your life.

Remember he's not perfect and each day is not an attempt at seeking perfection.

Remember that he makes mistakes and you do, too.

Remember that neither of you is any better than the other.

Dream together.

Be realistic.

Give him space for friends.

Be creative together.

Remember that you are different from others, and live your life instead of theirs.

Honor your relationship daily.

Show up.  Every. Day.

Be present in what he tells you.

Ask for him to pay attention to you.

Be passionate.

Keep your eyes fixed on what is important.

STOP.

what my mother did for me

One upon a time she wrote, and then she kept on writing.

I found some of her writing tucked away somewhere one day when I was young.

I was inspired.

My mom was a journalism major and never got past her associate's degree, and I'm not sure why. Her dreams were snuffed out.

And then she wrote a book for my son. A hand-crafted--went to Staples and had them bind it--kind of book. It is a book about a Moose losing his tooth, and it takes place at the house I was raised in.

She told me how this book helped her cope a little bit from the sadness of missing me and my family when we lived out of state. My dad helped her color in the pictures and together they created what was once an idea.

Her writing was healing. 

I cried when my son opened his gift. I was so proud of my mom. Her first book.

A {small-ish kind of} dream was realized.

When I was in high school an English teacher mailed my mom a piece I had written. It was about her and it had to do with running, a sport we shared together.

Running is a place we found inspiration and strength together. It was a sport she first introduced to me as a young child--where she found strength to endure a painful time in her life.

My mom did something good for herself way back then, and at two or three years old that choice spoke so loudly to me--that I am strong, too.

And so, years later I chose to run. She watched me and became inspired, again.

She says she started running because of me.
What she didn't realize was that I started running because of her, and she was just on a hiatus.

I've been writing since I was a kid. Maybe since I discovered my mom's own treasures tucked away.
Creative writing was intriguing to me when I was in high school. Give me a title and I could write about anything.

My mom mailed that English class assignment to Runner's World magazine for publication without me knowing it at the time. As it turned out they didn't publish it, but my mom believed in me.

She inspired me.

I kept on writing, and running.

What I write about now is hard stuff and not much can my mom talk with me about. It's deep stuff about my spirit and relationship with my Heavenly Father. This is painfully raw for her and I understand that. Still, though, she inspires me.

Mom asks me if I've met a deadline for a writing project, and she encourages me to keep on writing. She understands how writing helps lots of readers and especially helps the writer.

She tells me that she hopes my writing continues.

I've gotten a bike recently and I'm pondering backing off from running and trying a new sport. I'm scared. I think my mom understands my fears. Yet, she inspires me and encourages me to keep on, nonetheless.

My mom is facing her own set of fears lately. She's making adjustments in her own life, trying new things to be good for her body. She's scared. And I understand her fears.

We're good for each other.

She's always written me heartfelt--and very funny--notes and e-mails. She pours out her heart through writing. My mom writes words she'd never say out loud.

I get her. And the fear.

I get how writing is our safe place, even when it tugs at the scary places.

My mother has encouraged me.

She's given me courage to step out and live me out loud--even though it's sometimes painful for her to see.

I'm scared to keep pursuing this writing-thing God has invited me to do, and I'm scared to ride a bike - just as my mom is scared to face the emotions I bring to the surface in my writing.

We do this together--this living-thing. It's what we do for each other.  

Forever, my mom and I have talked about writing a book, and that perhaps we'd write a book together.
Maybe someday we will.

*****

This post was inspired by Ann Voskamp.  

Ann offered a scholarship for SheSpeaks and it was chosen at random.

Though I would have {very timidly} been honored to be selected,
and {I think} attend the conference -

{I'm so not a conference type of girl!  I'm still a hide in my closet type of girl!}

I wrote this because it was a must for me.  

This was part of my own healing, my own living, my own worship.  

Though the scholarship was selected at random
and I thought that I probably wouldn't be selected, 

stepping out
and taking a *risk*
was the point of it all, for me - 

it was part of the process of living out loud.  

Here's what Ann said about SheSpeaks:

In North Carolina in July, 

there's this gathering of Proverbs 31 women 

[who] gather around their sisters -
women in ministry, leading, writing, speaking, and offer,

"How can we serve you as you serve?

How can we help you bear the risk of creating, all for His glory?

How can we help you multiply the talent that He's invested in you?

How might you bury your fear in faith to keep from burying His gifts for good?"

Might you take His hand and take a *risk*?