on public school and my fears for our son

We took our son out of public school in the midst of third grade and decided to home-school him for reasons that even we weren't certain about.

That year was hard and we were asking lots of questions.

We didn't know what to do about our son not paying attention or following directions. We didn't understand what was going on, and our suggestions to be partners with his teacher in talking through his issues weren't responded to as we had hoped. It wasn't his teacher's fault, necessarily; she had lots of other kids and priorities that limited her time to give our son the attention we thought he deserved and needed.

This was our first go-round with parenting and we didn't know all the questions to ask.

Suddenly we found ourselves faced with the option of homeschooling and after taking a crash course in the how to's, we decided to have our son complete his third grade at home. People probably wondered what was up with us and what could cause us to suddenly veer left. When family voiced their concern we simply kept on with what we thought we needed to do at the time.

Could we have kept our son in school like most other kids and fight the good fight? Sure. But we didn't have to and so we chose not to.

Fast forward two years.

After test upon test to determine whether our son has a learning challenge of some sort, we found out what we already know:

     Every person learns differently. Period.

We still don't have any answers to why our son continues to not pay attention or follow directions.

Maybe his stealth strong-will promotes a decision-making in his mind of what he thinks is important and not important.

Maybe he tries to be creative in answering questions and approaching school work, thinking he can try a different way.

Only God knows. And truly, the why doesn't really matter, anyway.

Did homeschooling him help? Did it enable him? We will never know.

Should we have kept him in school? Let's not go there.

All I will say is this: I do believe there is a lot to be said for developmental readiness. Also, and perhaps most importantly, there is not one right or perfect methodology for teaching our children.

Homeschooling did things for our son and our family we can never fully define. 

     I watched joy and creativity find its way again.

     Time together was simplified and savored.

     Frantic was a thing of the past.

By having our son home we've had the flexibility to do things we wouldn't have been able to do if he were in school. We have gone together on a few of my business trips and discovered parts of cities -- partly just for fun and partly because they have connected to something interesting that he studied.

The place where I work gives us access to facilities that allow our son to hone his sports skills and we've seized those opportunities. College students use those facilities, too, and so my son and my groom have met people who they otherwise wouldn't have met if our son was in school.

There have been good things about having our son at home for the past two years and there have been challenging things.

My groom is a hero in the eyes of most people when they hear he has been the primary teacher. I just nod my head in agreement, because I don't know if I could do it either. Yet, according to him, "you do what you have to do". He says those words because he cares deeply about his commitment to love and fatherhood and he is passionate about exercising his gift of teaching and helping. My groom doesn't necessarily care more than me, just differently than me.

It wasn't always easy for me, though. I sometimes judged my groom's approach and scowled when I wanted happy-clappy lunch hours and evenings instead of continued lessons that sometimes fall on our son's seemingly deaf ears.

Life is about learning. It's not always comfy.
     Growth is a necessary part of the process and it hurts.  

This past school year we were faced with the sorts of challenges similar to those of kids the same age as our son's. Motivating our son to care enough to try hard is difficult and we often feel helpless. This is his challenging thing right now and though we hope it won't be his forever thing, it is for now.

We decided at the beginning of this school year to use this year as a preparation year for our son to return to public school next year. He will re-enter as a sixth grader in the Middle School -- aka, the dreaded years. Honestly, I'm excited for him, yet I'm also quite afraid.

     I'm excited for our son to learn from other people.

     I'm excited for him to influence other human beings on a daily basis.

     I'm excited for our son to come home and tell us all most of the details about his days.

     I'm excited for him to get called on and be challenged.

     I'm excited for our son to raise his hand with confidence.

     I'm excited for him to have variety and multiple teachers on a daily basis.

     I'm excited for our son to navigate his interests beyond athletics.

With all there is to look forward to about the differences between home-school and public school, there is also so much that I fear.

Surprisingly, it isn't the infamous and much debated Core Curriculum that I'm afraid of, or the teachers having so many students and so little time, or that our son still hasn't figured out how to follow.the.blessed.directions (!), or that he will have to face the consequences of reality discipline. It isn't even the social stuff that comes with puberty, or the pressures of life.

Sure, those are all things concerning me, though to be honest I'm mostly afraid our son will decide we're a couple of loons and he will decide to be who he wants to be, and who he chooses to be won't be who we think he was created to be . . . and that I'll mostly be right about all of this, because it's quite probably how it will go.

He probably will decide to live differently than how we've raised him. At least for awhile.

I'm afraid our son isn't ever going to stretch before practice or after practice, or drink even one sip of water all the livelong day, or eat anything other than peanut butter or poached eggs on English Muffins.

I'm afraid our son will do his own thing whenever he wants and won't ever realize how working hard does more than one can ever imagine.

The thing is, we can't protect our son from the bullies of the world, or discouragement, or make people pay attention to him. I can't force my son to pay attention, or to follow directions, or to take notes, or to ask questions to verify his understanding. I can't make him drink and stretch and eat the way I think he should. I can't make sure my son actually learns what I think is important and not what I don't think is important.

I can't ensure my son will achieve his dreams or become who I think he was designed to be.

It isn't the school I have a problem with as much as it is Myself.

It's my fear keeping him entangled in my grip and keeping me up late at night, contemplating the next guilt-trip I can impose that might "inspire" him or "light a fire under his butt".

I fear my son becoming someone who totally isn't the storybook character I often forget I didn't script him to be.

As much as I fear and want to hold him back from the meanies in this world and the crazy, mixed up education system that just confuses me all to pieces, I need to let him go. Not for the "social" reasons so many people are focused and concerned about for home-school students, but because he needs to make his own choices and discover his own need for God, and that it isn't a sign of weakness to need Him.

Letting my son go feels irresponsible in some ways, a little bit like throwing him to the wolves, so to speak. But, I can't protect him forever or guarantee every late-night lecture and early-morning hug will stick and give him the courage and peace (and instructions) he needs for his life.

I can't solve his problems for him or create a sunshine and rainbows kind of life for him.

     Life will be hard. It will hurt. He will make mistakes. 
          All I can do is trust God's got him.

God chose me as the mother for this specific child, knowing I wouldn't know how to do even the basic kind of math or be able to explain how to write (other than to say, "just do it as you feel led").

God chose me, knowing my son would need to be taught to clean up his crumbs from the lunch table, even though I don't always clean up my own from breakfast.

God chose me because He has purpose for me, in spite of my imperfections.

I trust God's got my son, no matter where he goes to school and what he does.

     If my son needs to fail, then may God use it.

     If I need to disappoint him, then may God use that, too.

After all, I didn't create this person, God did it. And so, it all comes down to the smallness of my faith I am most afraid of, my struggle to trust God's ways, and how much longer my fingers will stay white-knuckle gripped.

on learning to accept fear (Part 2: responding to a mother's worry)

My mother texted me the other day to express how "sad" it is about Robin Williams. I agreed and commented how mental illness is definitely very real.

She then said: "Promise me never to do that."

And I couldn't reply.

Sometimes the truth is too scary to face, so I hide.

I was afraid of my mother's fear so I chose not to respond to her request that I make such a big promise to her. Mostly I was afraid for her because sometimes the truth can feel like too much. I wanted to protect my mom from worry.

I've been paying more attention to fear these days.

I've been noticing that like children, fear just wants to be noticed. Even though fears can't just get what they want and don't have the right to push me around, I'm letting them be heard. I'm asking questions and trying to learn from them, even though rationalizing with or talking down fear doesn't always work.

Like the white hair, and wrinkles, and aches and pains that have been slowly making me notice that in spite of my feelings, I'm not 25 anymore . . . fear reminds me that I'm human.

I'm learning that I can rest when I simply accept fear as a part of life, kind of like germs that I can't just perfectly cleanse away. I make a choice to accept the risk that I might get sick and live.

No matter what we do, fear isn't something that we can make go away.

Fear isn't something to feel shame about -- neither that we have fear, or that we struggle to control it.

I hope that in time I'll become better at thoughtfully responding to fear instead of impulsively reacting to it and that my body will be strong enough for it the next time it invades me. For now, I'm learning to be honest that this conditioning takes a lot out of me.

I feel like a person who is just beginning a new fitness routine and is tempted to give up from feeling more exhausted because of the workouts. I'm learning to be gentle and patient and kind with myself as I develop the strength to stand strong in the midst of fear that is a part of life. Like wind, I can't control fear from happening, but I can do what I can to be prepared for it. Yoga reminds me of this as I contract my core muscles and stand strong like a tree, imagining that I can't be pushed or blown over.

I'm starting to accept fear and it's wonky ways. I'm also starting to accept it as a part of others, too, and how it spills over and makes a mess sometimes.

Though I couldn't promise my mom I won't one day take my life and I was afraid of how she might feel and what she might think if I spoke the truth, I decided not to let my silence be so deafening.

In my response to my mother's worry for me, I addressed it by saying:

I saw your text before I went to bed and didn't know how to respond, so I let it sit.

The truth is, I can't promise something like that to you. I can't promise that to anyone. Not even myself.

Does it mean you should be worried about my mental health? Not necessarily.

None of us are immune from random and seemingly sudden moments of onset anxiety and depression; however, I'd venture that the "sudden-seeming" nature is really a surfacing of the truth that's hidden below.

I've struggled in my own silent and scary ways for a lot of my life, and it's likely why I created "rules" that were my way of trying to fix myself.

I'm aware that my son and my husband and I could choose not to be brave in this life; we could choose to give up.

That I haven't . . . that any of us haven't . . . is truly a miracle. 

I share this piece of my response to my mom because truth alone isn't enough to set us free

     . . . neither is love from our family, and
     . . . neither is time.

It isn't because we aren't good enough that explains why we continue to struggle in life, it's simply because we haven't arrived in a place where anything is perfect.

When we accept that we were made human, we just might begin to accept our brokenness . . . and even ourselves. 

Maybe, just maybe, we'll begin to simply be, as we are, instead of work to become someone we aren't (even yet).

Maybe we'll begin to see our beauty as the kind that in its rawness is sometimes hard to look at, yet reminds others that they aren't alone.

Maybe we'll begin to see our imperfect bravery of accepting ourselves as the most perfect beauty of all.

Maybe we'll begin to accept grace.

Maybe we'll begin to rest.

Maybe we'll begin to live.

filling the seats :: an invitation (3 of 3)

C'est La Vie: The Magazine Raw life. Real worship . . . Life, as. it. is. willingness For so long, the mirror was the voice for my thoughts. I'd let what my eyes saw judge my worth and determine if I was good enough. The shape of my body on any given day would tell me if I ate good enough or worked out hard enough. My groom's facial expressions, tone, and the words he'd say to me would be my guide to whether I am wise in my application of the lessons I'd learned. Other people's successes would be a barometer for my own successes. God has purposed me, as I am. He asks me to consider my love for Him and worship Him, alone. What He most wants is for me to be. I have decided to worship Him in the ways I'm simply me: Messy. Scatter-brained. Hypocritical. He makes a message out of my messes. He makes creativity out of my chaos. He makes history out of my humanity. Fear doesn't deserve the power we sometimes give it. I've nearly forced myself to be and act and look a certain way, only to realize that I will never be good enough for the standards of this world. No matter how much I try, I will always come up short in some area. C'est La Vie: The Magazine will envelope community around the Real in big life issues, bringing the hard stuff to the surface and snuffing out shame. Talking about all issues surrounding race and gender, light will be shined upon the outcast and the shunned, and invites all people who are willing to go there -- every kind of heritage who are willing to share their stories: of privilege, naiveté, anger, disgrace. The featured Gritty Story writers will speak directly of redemption and grace in the midst of chaos and confusion, tackling the question "What are you learning about Him now, in the midst . . . while this story is unfinished and incomplete?" C'est La Vie: The Magazine will speak to men and women who quietly wonder if they are enough, who long to be superheroes, and who God says: "You. Already. Are." will you join us? In order for this God-sized dream to happen, we will need a lot of puzzle pieces to come together. The thing is, we don't have the box to know what the puzzle even looks like, exactly and we don't even know what pieces go where.  This is our invitation for you to join our Tribe Network. => Are you willing to be a part of a community that encourages through truth-telling; that sometimes makes the days seem even harder by going to the uncomfortable places? We're looking for passion, commitment and dedication. Realizing this is a lot to ask of volunteers, we're trusting that God will provide. Right now we have two immediate needs, followed by a close third. Other roles will be filled over time; however, these three roles are the first to be put into action. Some of these roles will be ongoing, while others will be intense in the early phase and taper off to supporting roles, and some won't even formally begin until right before the website portion of C'est La Vie launches ( . . . and then there will be a whole other group for the printed magazine, the ultimate vision!). Immediate Need #1 :: Graphic Design Diva/Dude -- someone who can design a website background and a graphic identity for C'est La Vie: The Magazine, both for the on line hostel and ultimately for the print version. Immediate Need #2 :: Website Wordpress Wizard -- someone who loves Wordpress CSS and can craft a working framework for C'est La Vie's on line hostel. On-Deck :: Usher -- someone skilled in organization and communication to provide administrative assistance and coordination, own and manage the calendar, keep folks in the know, and connect groups together around projects. what you should know Until we have our platform designed and in place, we will continue to dream and pray and wait on the Lord. That said, we are taking steps to build the C'est La Vie Tribe, believing God will meet all our needs at exactly the time when we need them. We've developed an involvement profile for those interested in partnering with us as a way to build our Tribe Network, helping us better identify the role that each person might be best suitable for, based on our specific needs. This is our deliberate attempt to fill the roles with the talent needed to best fulfill them. Should you decide to use our tool, you'll need to carve out 15-20 minutes and give some thoughtful attention to the questions. If the survey feels awkward, clumsy, or just not right for you, feel free to drop us a note to share your heart . . . or a note to set up a time to chat about your heart. A few important points: => While we thank everyone who will be brave enough to raise a hand, we cannot promise that there will be a spot for everyone. => Once we prayerfully consider and determine who goes where, we'll take time to get to know everyone as they settle into their roles, and arrange for regular check-ins. => We will empower each team member to work independently and each sub-team to work collaboratively on their portion of work until check-in. => While you're praying and dreaming about your place and your role here, we'll be spending ours leaning in, listening, and loosing our hold so God remains in control. => As He leads, we'll be reaching out to folks who raised their hands to fill particular roles, provide specifics on what those roles entail, and most especially pray continually about filling them. => I know how hard it will be to wait for the activation of your role if you're a "doer" like we are, however, we've agreed that it is absolutely critical that we are patient for God's leading in all of this. We stand with a healthy restlessness, awaiting His Direction for His pace. => As it stands right now, the launch date of the on line hostel will be in early 2015. We'll continue to adapt our timeline, knowing He can speed it up or slow it down. call to action 1) Consider your heart, and the nudging, and those fears, and all the pockets of time in your day . . . 2) Thoughtfully let us know if you feel led and are equipped to meet one of our most pressing and needed roles, or if there's another that niggles at you most of all. => Please take some time to give us a profile of your strengths through the Tribe Network we developed. => You may also send a separate note directly to C'est La Vie: The Magazine. 3) Was someone on your heart as soon as you read a role description? Please forward this to that person. We need you to share, just as much as we need you to consider your own involvement in this dream. : : : We influence, for His glory. God takes our willingness to talk about projects like this and plants seeds within the people around us. We firmly believe that C'est La Vie: The Magazine will be important in very real and specific ways that we cannot even begin to imagine -- for all those who come to the table to commune with us . . . the development, launch, and management teams, as well as the readers. Sign-up to receive future newsletters. Direct questions and comments to: cest.la.vie.the.magazine@gmail.com In case you missed it: in spite of fear :: an invitation (1 of 3) a creative mess :: an invitation (2 of 3)

a creative mess :: an invitation (2 of 3)

C'est La Vie: The Magazine Raw life. Real worship . . . Life, as. it. is. on fear and purpose I haven't felt good enough for my own dreams sometimes. Thinking I'm not old enough, experienced enough or good enough, I've kept my hands clenched tight around my dreams, as though it's a precious wubby I can't let go. For a long time, shame told me I should be better, wrangling me with restrictions and rules I was never able to fulfill. Too often I waited for fear to go away before I obeyed God's call. Making a decision to obey based on how I feel says I know better than Him. I'm learning that fear is not worth the wait. Regardless of whether fear was invited or not, it is purposed. Fear can add tremendous value to my life. It challenges me, helps me to consider different perspectives, and sometimes serves as a guardrail to warn me of impending dangers. Fear is also the house guest known to overstay her welcome. It doesn't have the power it thinks it deserves to decide what I should or shouldn't do, influence my every decision, or evaluate me. Even though fear doesn't pick up and leave when it's convenient for me or when I think I need it to, I still need to get on with the work I am charged to do. I can't put an "on vacation" sign on my life until this house guest decides to leave. learning to trust God specifically crafted me knowing the tendencies and habits I would have, yet He still charged me with specific responsibilities. He asks for me to honor Him by living out the specificity of His design in ways specifically designed for me. He knew before He created me that I would be messy and popcorn brain in thought. He sees beyond my messes and imperfections, and He purposes them in such a way that reveals the amazing grace that is His love. God created me perfectly imperfect for a specific purpose. There will always be days when I question whether I'm in the right place and the right fit for the responsibility. Fear sometimes keeps me from saying exactly what I really mean, or really wish to say. When I make a choice based on fear, chances are I'll make the wrong -- every single time. I want to shout from the mountains and run through the streets, grabbing every person I come into contact with and tell them: As ugly as this storm might look, I assure you, you will see beauty! In spite of the storm clouds that threaten your peace, there is brilliant beauty and purpose and grace in this. Fear's huffiness and assumptions leave me feeling exhausted and not good enough. It barges into the margins of my day and demands attention that I simply can't give it. I need boundaries for discipline to stay focused and deliberate about how I believe God is calling me to spend each allotted day. All. Is. Purposed. This isn't just a bumper sticker cliche. I've seen the ways God has made beauty from the broken parts of me. It's difficult for people to keep up with my messy ideas that sometimes don't make sense or appear practical to the present situation. Truth tells me that my voice matters, even though what I say might not be fully understood. Fear needs to be my silent partner. loosing fears and saying "Yes!" Dreams don't mean anything if they aren't pursued. Like the china sitting in the cabinet that might someday get used, we sometimes put dreams in pretty boxes with a cute little ribbon and remark about her beauty. We wait for the day when our schedules or we feel more deserving or worthy. I wholeheartedly believe that God charged me with a vision that is beyond my capacity, though is something that I need to step into with bold, confident, trust. I believe He called me to lead a team around a God-sized dream that will: unleash and empower men and women to freely live their uniquely created lives. A steady drip of truth as each story is presented as a broken offering, C'est La Vie: The Magazine will remind us that our greatest offering is to unwrap the grace to simply be, as. we. are., resting in the truth that He purposes and refines us, for His glory. A printed compilation of stories lived Real and bold, featuring writers who reflect on the process God allows in His making of us, C'est La Vie honors the time He knows we need for Him to sift and edit us through the tornado-like moments of life; much like the process of creating art. A sprawling declaration of raw worship through gritty, brazen, undisputed, fully human storytelling, C'est La Vie celebrates no-limits grace that frees and unleashes all people to embrace life, as. it. is. The ultimate dream is a print magazine for the reader to sip and to savor . . . to contemplate and consider the shared and very real, gritty, messy, broken, shamed, and fear-laced human stories. It can be cut apart to inspire in small bites or in whole, much like He does with us. A print magazine allows the reader to find in her 15-minute vacation of the bathroom, where she needs just a few minutes alone, the truth in knowing she's not alone in her struggles. building a tribe C'est La Vie is for men and women, alike, speaking from and supporting perspectives of both genders, as it serves to open the lines of communication and develop a better understanding of one another. We're building a tribe of men and women to join us in developing C'est La Vie: The Magazine . . . First we'll build an on line hostel, of sorts -- a place of refuge that feeds and shelters those from the storm of life with radical unconditional love and acceptance of community -- serving as a safe respite for the gritty storytellers who are willing to stand in the arena of truth, in spite of fear . . . presenting life as art and the idea that process is necessary. We're building a tribe who is willing to explore and pursue hope with us . . . who believes faith is the main thing and fear is meant to be a silent partner. => Have you experienced a part in your story where the clouds stormed in and threatened your peace and where now, on the other side, or even in the midst, you can see brilliant beauty? => Do you ache to tell the story of redemption that comes through ridiculous pain because you know there is purpose? : : : Stay tuned in the coming days . . . More information will come your way letting you know how you can declare your interest in being part of the tribe developing C'est La Vie: The Magazine. In the mean time: ASK :: How did He make you? Ask God to tell you more about what specific strengths and talents He gave you. BE :: You matter, as you are. Simply be. CONSIDER :: May your offering be your willingness for "whatever" God invites you to be a part of today. Direct questions and comments to: cest.la.vie.the.magazine@gmail.com In case you missed it: in spite of fear :: an invitation (1 of 3)