Thursday, December 27, 2012


I once was afraid I'd wreck a daughter.

Too messed up to receive my own freedom.
Too broken to let grace knock my socks off.
Too afraid cycles will continue and history become the future.

And then, my heart was changed.

My eyes tear up over girls.
My dreams are so real-like that one day we'll have one.
My spirit has visions of words I'll say to her.

I'm not sure if she'll be one I'll birth, or one we'll choose to embrace as our own.

I can't shake this dream.

Even though . . .

About a year ago I gave up my plans of having another child. Completely (as best as this human girl can).

I made changes to reduce the daily temptation to make things happen that weren't right for us at the time.
All this year I've been at peace over this surrender.

Watching a hockey team gather together waiting for their game to begin, I notice it's a girls team.

They're singing. And I'm bawling.

Turning to my groom I say, "can we? please?!" And I realize what I've said, and can hardly believe it.

I told myself not to speak of this dream to him again. It's because there was a time not too long ago when I couldn't stop thinking about it. An idol it became. A too much focused on want instead of a vision.

So I established a rule.
I told myself it'd have to come from his mouth, and from His prompting. Because, my hands are off.

But . . .

My heart swells inside and tears pour down, and I so want to see this dream realized.
The anticipation is heavy.

Mostly, I want to know if I'm hearing Him right.

I thought it would be adoption, but I'm not thinking it is.
Maybe what He's told me is that we'll be a part of adoption in some way, but it might not be us doing the adopting.

And I've got these dreams of starting a foundation for girls in sport.
It's connected to teen pregnancy and adoption, and grace.

These dreams make no sense. But neither does He.

God still performs miracles.

He evokes this passion inside of me to know Him and I stand in Wonder of what He's working in us now.
Not just what He will do.

A year ago I heard words that impressed *courage* on my heart.
I boldly declared that "I will submit a book proposal by the end of the year".

Many words have strung together chapters. And a cover letter is complete.

Just as there is no sign of a real baby, or the beginnings of a real foundation developing, or even a real book proposal . . . 

What I am hearing is that He wants me to submit . . . 
     To. Him.

     the book . . .

     and the daughter . . .

     the {crazy-wild} dreams . . .

     and the fears . . .

     mostly, my heart . . .

Dream God-sized Dreams

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  1. Oh, Amy. You are the brave one. It takes courage to submit this way. Praying for those dreams you hold in open hands.

    1. Oh, Laura. The "brave" is so tender and so fragile; the courage just so thin. It's Him, I'm certain. Your prayers are my blessing.

  2. Submission to God, to another human, to any authority is the ultimate act of obedience and putting to death the pride that drags us down.

    As you go through this time, i pray for healing and clarity.

    1. "ultimate obedience" . . . that's just what I feel He's been calling me to, David. It's a wrecking of self, this radical obedience. It looks so messy and like I've screwed up when really He's telling me (in the whispers; and gratefully I hear them) that it's His work in me, this breaking. Your prayers are truly my blessing. Thank you.

  3. beautiful heart and words...Grace-full is my word, too...

    1. Praying rich blessings as He shows you more of His heart and what grace is all about, Lani.

  4. Amy thank you for this IS all about submitting and trusting. Praying for you that His voice will make you dance.
    Cn't wait to hear as you discover all the Lord is dreaming for you.

    1. Thank you, Judy! Your prayers are a blessing to me.

  5. So beautiful, Amy. Thank you for sharing this with us!

    1. Thank you, Holley. This uncertainty and vague-ness bothers me. And yet it's exactly where He wants me. I'm choosing trust.

  6. WOW !! Such beautiful words !!! Praying for you.

    1. Your choice to pray for me is such a blessing. Thank you.

  7. This is beautiful and I am so thankful to be able to jump in with you and stand by you as we all dream together, embracing whatever God has for us as we submit.

    1. Standing together is critical, I'm certain. I appreciate you, Alia. Rich blessings to you and His dreams for you.