Wednesday, December 26, 2012

what fear can do

It follows me around nearly every day. This thought of whether I might fail.

I call it mistake making when really failure more accurately defines.

And I fear it. For why, I'm not quite sure. Embarrassment, maybe.

I tell myself that I should . . . 

     Know. Better.

     Do. Better.

   Be. Better.

There's no room for this mistake making when it comes to what I expect of myself.

And so, nearly every day I Wonder if I should say "Yes!" to possibility.

     Should I *consider* a potential opportunity?

It's lurking and constant, this fear of what if . . . 

Mistakes will find me. Perfection won't wash over me.

Try as I might, I will still fail.

Doing everything right is really perfection. I don't often see it that way, but it's true.

The failure brands me. Seers my happiness. Scorches my inner peace.

And I'm a hot mess in times like this. When all is going right and then . . .  a mistake is made evident.

It's inner turmoil that I fear most -- 
     the struggle for peace choosing and wrestling for joy.

The deciding is hard. My heart wants to succumb to scorning of self.

I'm tired of the fight. I long for easy when really, it's another Home that I crave.

Yet, it's a gift He gives to us -- to choose.

And this is what living for Him is all about. This is the tipping point. The hinge factor. The saving Grace.

     Where I am unable and incapable on my own and He gives peace even though . . .

     Where mistake making will find me and yet I continue to be a vessel . . .

     Where courage is a choice and trust I am able . . .

     Where no matter what, Peace always finds me . . .

     Where Joy has no limits.

Fear can rob a life of living. It can steal the breaths and take captive the memory building moments. And it can suck a life dry of Hope.

Yet, He is bigger and stronger and more rich in His gifts. Just waiting for our unwrapping.

There's mercy here. And goodness. Beauty waiting to be seen.

It's true that fear can rob, steal and destroy. But it can also bring me to my knees and to His feet.

Fear can inspire and provoke, stir Wonder for purpose and courage to trust.

So I stand with my baggage of fear and tricks for magically becoming perfect. And thank God for this willingness to receive it again, this Grace.

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