myself

I ask Him to reveal His dreams for me.

The ones He wants me to say Yes to.

I tell Him that I trust He will speak to me in His time, though I recognize that which often keeps me from hearing His voice --

     Fear

          of what others think and will think . . .
          of how I might ruin my child and future children . . .
          of the expectations of others and mostly my perception of what they expect . . .
          of failing to fill all the holes in my children's lives . . .
          of being myself.

So much of me wants to live at ease with my life. 

     I envision what a gift this is to others, my children especially.

I want to develop discernment as to what is most right for me moment-by-moment.

I want to live according to His voice.

I want to embrace the talents and message that He has put on my heart.

I want to be the most excellent Me I can be right where I am at any given moment.

I want to accept Me and especially my limitations, tendencies, shortcomings.

I want to embrace my weak spots where I am most vulnerable to temptation.

     After all . . . He does.

I don't want to be enslaved to other people's thoughts and opinions.

I try, often too hard, to get this life right. 

     To love myself more. To do everything how I think I should.

Yet, I know that what I think isn't often times what's true and so I wriggle in confusion over my perspective of the should's.

He invites me to choose Truth, I am cherished

     just. as. I. am.

          a piner for control and all.
          weary and broken from living a try-hard life.

I stare at myself with bewilderment over how I am such a bawled up mess.

He invites me to let go and choose Him 

     . . . with all that I am now, and all the hopes of who I will be.

Just. As. I. Am.

     a dream constructor.
     a luster of attention.
     a craver for right.
     a perfection seeker.
     a wide influence abuser.

He challenges me to let Him quiet Me. 
     To slow Me.

I rush through even a drink of water, gulping it and not slowing for even this simple life-nourishing drink.
So concerned I should be doing something else, I rush life out of angst and focus on what I fear people think.

He invites me to live, accepting what is as it is -- especially myself.

By surrendering the try-hard, I am choosing to trust He will use my messy self --

     my shame. fears. doubt. and insecurities.

He invites me to come, just. as. i. am.

     Kind.

     Generous in heart.

     Passionate about mercy and grace.

     Seeker of Truth.

     Dreamer of possibilities.

     Speaker of Hope.

I read the words He led my friend to write and tremble over its enormity:

     "Perhaps what God calls us to give up, really, is ourselves."

He wants to

     disrobe my ideals . . .

     unleash my raw, unedited heart . . .

     strip me bare of the life I have created . . .

     open my eyes to the idols I've made my focus points.

And so I step, timidly, toward the valley.

Innately I know it will be a slow, painful process.
     It already has been, just to get to this moment.

He invites me to receive His Grace for me.

I consider the possibilities that lie ahead as I learn to give up this try-hard life and choose Him.

Though I feel hardly willing, He encourages my heart that even the timid stepping is active willingness.

     Like my next breath, the stepping comes naturally and without effort.

This is His dream for me. 

Share your heart . . . add a comment below.

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