Tuesday, July 10, 2012

choosing trust

As it turns out, I still struggle with the temptation for control.

Trust is a hard reach.

And truth-telling (mostly to myself) stretches me to where it hurts.

Glancing in the mirror as I stand in the bathroom at 12:35 in the crisp dark of a new day, I try to remember what foods might have caused a bit of pudge in me. I can't help to notice the slight roundedness to my hips.

I wonder why thinner isn't portrayed and softer edges outline my figure instead of tight and firm.

I rebuke my own thoughts and tell myself to pay attention to what matters most Right. Now.

The Boy is sick and he needs my attention.

Instead, I tell myself that tomorrow I have to run harder, faster, most especially longer. And that ice cream and cookies must be forbidden. Calorie intake less. Just until I get the pudge gone.

I remember what I tell people about the scale and surrender--to toss it out and to Trust. I try to believe the words that have come out of my own mouth. I cling to live the truth my heart knows.

I feel like a pious liar. A hypocrite.

The Boy-Man hovers over the toilet, sick from the heat and too much fun, or whatever virus is making it's way around.

And all I can think about is my rolls. The soft edges.

We go to bed and I awake to realize he slept four hours and I think maybe he's in the clear.

I prepare for a run, on a mission. And then I hear him--Sick. Again.

He asks if the couch can be his comfort and it's 5:20.

I think of the reports to be run at the office and the meeting I am to lead.

I think of the run and the weight. It's all so heavy on me. Suffocating. Disgusting.

The past few weeks my family and I have treated ourselves to ice cream in celebration of sports and summer.

We've smiled and chosen sprinkles.

Those choices have consequences. Ones I hadn't dared to concern myself with because I've just danced with freedom.


My heart has known what has been right for mePeace has been my tachometer.

I think about how, with each impromptu decision to change our route and stop for ice cream, I have told myself it was okay because it was a family-thing and not an overindulgence-thing. I haven't worried about what I will eat or about my body.

Freedom and peace have been my guide.

I think about how the Boy needs me Now and a fourth day of no workout is okay.

This is more important than the worry and the weight and the workout.

The first three days off from a workout were for a time away. Family togetherness on the lake. I had forgotten my running shoes and rest was what I needed. Not sleep as much as Rest.

Rest from worry. Rest from fear. Rest from control.

I didn't plan to miss four days of working out. Or to eat ice cream as often as I have.

The real test of peace and freedom is in the unexpected. Not the plans.

Because, sometimes mostly it matters most to Just. Trust. and live--In. Joy., not worry. 

I've written about seasons and I forgot the sense He made of those words. I forgot to trust. I neglected truth.

It's the weeds of life--the forgetting and flailing in my fears--that makes me human. Not any less able to make an impact and not any less wise. Just real.

It's where grace shows up. Love envelopes. Beauty blossoms.

Trust is a hard reach. Moment by moment. We don't just have it. It's constantly cultivated in us. And the hard choosing of it is why we will always need Him.


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  1. We all struggle with image of one sort or another. And we must find a balance between self respect and disrespect for what God Made. I look in the mirror and find plenty of things I wish God would have done differently. Then I look in my heart and find all the things I have control over, that i'm just letting slide.

    I liked your comment about leaving your running shoes and adding some sprinkles to the ice cream. There's a season for these kinds o things ... and then a season to run

    1. I appreciate your comment, David. I like what you said about respect for what God made. It honors Him when we remember He truly does know best. And also when we own what we could do differently, too. There's so much here.

  2. Oh my friend. this speaks loudly to me, as I identify with so much of it. I pray your son is feeling better. And that YOU are feeling the freedom in Christ, from all this fear and self-imposed rules and guidelines. Sometimes it's just too much to take. I struggle with this constantly! ((hugs)) praying for you!

    1. That He allows me to flop like a fish who forgot the Water is right there...such grace. I never flop for long. And I always flop when I think I've perfectly *gotten this*. Grace. Mercy. Love. So grateful.

  3. Well, you know how I feel about this. I just hope you know how I feel about you. I hope you know I think you are absolutely perfect and that ice cream is beautiful and so are sprinkles and that you are right when you say the scale belongs in the trash can and that we will always need Him.

  4. Oh Amy,

    Your heart spilled open here is such a good thing for my soul. I am just nodding my head, knowing full well these feelings. But it's true: ice cream rocks, and family togetherness on a lake is a good and beautiful thing.

    And you're beautiful, too, by the way. Love you.

    1. The way your words made me smile. It's such a gift. Love you, Jennifer. Truly.