I was shocked and confused over a sudden awareness of loss.
I was unable to accept the facts without satisfying my desire to know why.
The hospital became a cave of isolation for me as I awaited the traumatic arrival of a baby who was suddenly gone without warning.
Long after I came home I remained in that isolated cave.
I kept well meaning friends and family at arms length away, even before they knew what I had experienced.
No one knew how I felt and that truth made me reticent to accept encouragement and love.
I didn't believe any one could possibly help me feel better.
For years, I was traumatized by the way a life came to a screeching halt.
It wasn't fair how she needed to come out.
It was plain ol' awful in every way.
For years, I rolled around in the thought about just how awful it was.
I needed to be heard.
Everyone needs compassion and I hunted for it. Groveled, actually.
I didn't need anyone to tell me about their cousin's loss, or their mother's, or their aunt's.
I didn't need anyone to tell me how common miscarriages are, even in the second trimester.
I didn't need a lesson on statistics.
What I needed was compassion.
What I needed was a quiet tongue and listening ears.
What I needed most was a friend to gently encourage me to accept.
Thinking about the journey I have lived from Then until Now, I am overwhelmed at the difference.
I didn't want *time*. And yet, time is exactly what I needed to heal.
Then, I wanted to be healed instantaneously.
Now, I see how necessary that process was.
Since my own loss, two very dear friends have confided in me over their own sudden heartbreak.
And though it is painful to tell them that, I know it to be true.
I tell my friends that I don't know how they feel. No one does or ever will.
I tell them that allowing themselves to grieve is critically important.
I tell them there is purpose in this. Even though we can't See.
Through the time of living the *whirl and twirl*, we understand this more thoroughly. But, never perfectly.
Father, I am overwhelmed over your purpose of time. You help me to trust you and as I do, you more fully heal.
...noticing how different I feel this year--the Peace that has come...
...how my story gives me compassion for my friends' stories...
...the joy in choosing to accept...
...the miracle of courage...
...how experiencing a loss with my groom was important to our story...
...knowing the fragility of life...
...how He heals through time...