Sunday, March 6, 2011

*Envy* and how it hurts

I've created stories that weren't true - trying to be liked.

I longed for attention and to disappear, all at the same time.

I felt average as can be with nothing especially extraordinary about me.

Sibling-less growing up.  Feeling so alone.  Graced with a beautiful house to grow up inside.  Feeling so lost.

So many other families and friends were more attractive, popular or fun than me.

I hesitated to sing out loud in the school choir.  I shirked away from dancing at school dances.  I didn't even try to talk to the cool kids.

Girls were mean to me.  It could be that I allowed them to be mean.  Or maybe I was mean right back at them.

The days of growing up were hard.

And then I grew up and started telling only true stories.  I tried not to be someone I wasn't, even though I still longed to be noticed and invisible at the same time.  Average followed me into adulthood until God showed me I am unique.

Envy switched sides.

Or, maybe it was the first time I noticed it on the other side.

Friends and even family made it apparent that they saw something about me that they thought was better than them.  Although I never intend it, they have made it so.  And my body or my life became something out of reach for them - an idol of sorts.  They shirk away from me this time and feel threatened.  And I cry.

I feel just as insignificant as anyone.

My body couldn't ever be as perfect as I still sometimes want it to be.  Happiness is sometimes an all out wrestling match with myself.  I still envy other people's lives.  I still have painful situations with friends who I think are too perfect.  I still have a lot of hurt about a lot of different things.

I make mistakes.

I wonder what they could possibly see in me.  They have themselves so twisted.

People I've reached out to don't respond to notes I send them.  Some friends don't invite me over anymore.  For some reason, some people leave me alone.

They think I don't need anyone.  They are so wrong.

There's nothing particularly different about me than anyone else.  I sing outloud now and have discovered I like how I sound.  I dance all wildish and my son asks me to join him.  I've found Peace and Love and Grace and Freedom.  But that didn't come from me.  It's not about me.

I'm no better than anyone.  No one is any better than me.  We all have issues and we all get twisted up.

Envy can hurt to the core.  It can dissolve relationships and shred hope.  Envy can create monsters and nightmarish memories that haunt deep into life.

We can all learn from each other.  

I'm grateful I have people to learn from, and people to help.

Mostly, I'm grateful for the humility of imperfection to sit and chat with a friend - all in my naked self, exposed by peeled off layers of pride.

And, I'm grateful for a Father who loves me just as I am, in all of my uniqueness.


Gratitude List...

...finally okay with me {most days}...

...signs of Spring that encourage us for what is to come...

...hearing the sweetness of affection coming from broken me...

...a different season - one with activity and adventure... friends who speak truth with {Grace}...

...{Grace} for a mother and daughter...

...having {Grace} recognized from me, in spite of me...

...a curiosity to try new things...

...excitement for the unknown future...

...surrendering my will for His, alone...

...snow on the cusp of Spring to remind us that seasons-lengths aren't ours to measure...

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