Friday, September 24, 2010

Time for a change

My Father knows what I need and He wants to give it to me. Yet, He also wants me to recognize that although I don't know what I need, I do need Him. He wants me to talk with Him and share with Him my struggles and my pain, and He wants to rescue me from my wandering.

I'm exhausted. Something just doesn't feel right in my body, in my self. And really, I could just cry. I miss the arms of my husband who God provided to be His physical love to me. Yet, I am afraid. I am afraid that in my extreme exhaustion we'll go yet another night with me falling asleep on the couch and too drowsy to even be able to meet him in the same place and be intimate together. I'm afraid for more time lapsing between us. Yet, I miss him. I desperately miss the caress and the tenderness of my gentle and loving groom. Lord, Jesus, my heart cries - let nothing come between us tonight. Bring us together tonight. I need his physical touch.

I'm exhausted and I regret that I even got up for an early morning walk today. It's time that I scale back and put rest as my priority. But I'm afraid. What if I sleep through my quiet time with the Lord? What if I miss out on the one opportunity there seems to be in the day? What if I lose the strength I've built in the past several months and what if my hips and thighs get big again? The fears are exponential. Yet, something isn't going right anymore, anyway, and I realize this with hesitation.

Each new season brings with it so many changes and it's time that I surrender to them. But I'm afraid. And I'm just so exhausted. From Spring through Summer I got up early and felt good for the most part, although truth be told through my living journal - I was exhausted most days. But it felt good to get up with the sun and work hard to challenge my body. I really enjoyed it. My fears now are that the change of seasons is a roller-coaster-like effect on my body. Yet, I sense the need to make a change.

Does it mean sleeping each day until my body awakens on its own? I am thinking so. Does it mean letting go of the obsession to run 6-8 miles two or three times a week? Does it mean letting go of the fear that my body will become weak and I won't look good (as if I really think I do now anyway)?

What I really think it means is letting go...of everything that I allow to attempt to substitute god, and just to trust the only real God. He can help curb my cravings for sweets or bread. He alone wants to be my daily bread and supply all of my needs and desires. He alone can help me to be healthy. And He can provide time - the exact amount of time and right timing - for me to exercise and do what matters most for my body. He alone. He is strong. He is wise. He wants to be my God and He doesn't want anyone or anything to come between Him and me.

So, in this messy place He is with me. He brought me here. Nothing is wrong with me. He brought me right to this place where all I can do is surrender to Him. The exhaustion...He allowed that. The tears...He wants them to flow. He wants to strip me of all other comforts and be my Comforter.

As my body reacts - my hands tremble, my legs feel like sand bags, my face so heavy its hard to smile, my stomach pains - my heart is softened and massaged and my hardened body begins to crumble beneath the Love that rises within me. And in this moment I realize that my craving for the touch of my husband...that is God leading me to Him.

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