Thursday, October 7, 2010

Finding Grace for myself

I write about it. I read about it. I think about it. And then I realize I make fantasy out of it. Grace sounds so nice. It's the right thing to do. I get it - extend Grace to the undeserving. I'm practicing it more with my son and pushing through my breath of anger, and instead exhaling a more peaceful response - even though it (often) seems forced. My mind is more focused on this thing called Grace.


I still can't seem to crack it. I can't seem to figure out how to receive Grace for myself.

Aren't our days supposed to be learning opportunities? And if we really care, won't we pay attention, and therefore won't we learn? And if we learn, doesn't that mean that tomorrow we won't make the same mistakes?

Yet, mistakes I make. Again and again. Over and over. And guilt and shame I feel. Cause, I really do care, and I really am paying attention, and I think I really am learning something. Yet, I don't seem to get. it.

God loves me. I know this. I trust in this. Yet, I'm missing something. Maybe I don't really believe it. Maybe I don't really believe that He loves me just the way I am. But I really think I believe all that.

Don't I have this responsibility to implement what I have learned? He can't be happy with me staying the way I am. And yet, someone told me that "this feeling of building on what we've learned and becoming better is dangerous - it puts the expectation on us to do it and get it right. But, if we could, then why in the world would we need Jesus?"


I think of something I heard the other day - when do we think we're expected to have it together? Kindergarten? Or is it high school graduation? Or maybe college? Or by the time we're married? Or maybe once we're parents?

For me, I think when I became a mother I thought that meant I had to have it all together. I had to start implementing what I've learned through the years. After all, I've got a child watching me and if I try to teach him while still making mistakes then I'm a hypocrite. Right? And I don't want to be a hypocrite. But by way of being human, I am. And I always will be. I know what's right and yet I don't do it. And here's where I (often) don't feel good enough to be a parent. Yet, it's exactly where I realize that I am no better than anyone else. Any. one.

This brings me back to the sorting out I had to do with my parents once I became a parent. The forgiveness I had to extend to them. The Grace I gave them. To be human. To have made mistakes. To not have lived it perfectly like I thought parents were supposed to do. (Am I listening here?)

I've believed in Jesus and have been developing a relationship with Him for years. Yet, this Truth of Grace is so hard for me to grasp. This is a journey toward a life more Free - a journey toward Living. Just living as God created me to be. And living out loud. Even in spite of making mistakes. So, it's really about this statement I keep thinking of - living grace-fully. Fully. Living. Grace.

Hmmm....but how??? What does that look like in my daily life???

I'll just mull this over and continue to seek Him, and celebrate when He shows up in my seeking...cause as I inhale I doubt, and before I exhale I believe with all my being. And so, I admit that I am confused and making the simple complex...which is really what I do in life anyway...and yet I believe He loves me anyway, just the way I am.

1 comment:

  1. Amy,
    Exactly how I thought you would perceive this thing called Grace as it makes it's way through the filters of your perceptions and understandings. It would somehow feel not you otherwise. God made you unique and special and within that special person of who you are He will reveal Himself to you more and more what His Grace looks, feels and tastes like for yourself. Continue to seek Him in this journey and allow Him to shape and mold you through it the experience and remember its a journey of a lifetime, not a trip to the corner store.