Courage

All because I've showed up in my life, God is asking me to step out of the boat and have courage. To trust. To be patient in the waiting.

He tells me to take a deep breath.

{Ah! But I gasp and tell Him it feels so heavy!}

I hear the words again -- soft in my heart. "Trust me, my beloved. Trust me."

So I do. I tell Him that I want to trust Him more. But it feels so hard.

{But I could be wrong, I think. I could have heard Him wrong!}

My mind speaks loudly of impatience and my heart longs to reside with Him. And there He is...right where my heart and my mind collide. I know that He is whispering to me and telling me to have courage. And I still don't know for sure if I heard Him right. I just have to trust.

I am a person who thinks I like change, but truthfully it can only be ordered and calculated change where I am in control. I can't stand not knowing. I get ideas stuck in my head kinda like that yucky sticky-fly-trap-paper. I can't let go of an idea and I want it to happen now. I have my whole week planned out by Sunday afternoon...three weeks ago...after several iterations from all the ways my mind over thinks ideas. It's a good think I use pencil in my calendar. I have never been brave enough to

wait

patiently.

I wriggle and squirm and put up a fight of impatience, not wanting to sit still and be held gently, kinda like an over-tired child. I think, I don't need to be held. I don't need to sit still, patiently. I need to get going and do stuff...now!

And I wonder why my nearly six year old son is so anxious to run and play, and find out what's next.

Even in the tears, in the struggle, and in the jump into His arms, there is courage. I really believe that it's the process -- the right now -- of learning to trust and of being courageous, that He will use to paint the glorious picture of Grace that I believe He is working on. He isn't going to begin it later. He IS working on it now, as He works on me. This is the part that makes the most beautiful parts of His Story.

So, I tell Him that I'll be patient. {But it's hard!} I'll not rush ahead or do anything that hinders what He wants to do in me and through me and all around me and because of me, during this time of courageous waiting. And I'll try hard, I tell Him, to not keep looking ahead and I will keep my eyes intensely focused on right now. He tells me this is part of the journey. We need to be where we are now to get there.

I think of how I've watched an artist create a picture and how I've sometimes thought they were done before they actually were. I've thought they were messing up the pretty parts by going further. But in the watching I've seen more depth come alive instead of just stopping at the surface.

{another deep breath}

So, I'll wait. Because I believe. I believe that what I feel in my heart is true. {Even if I am wrong.} And I can't wait to see it all come together, and how today will show itself beautiful and that it really does matter in the end.

I feel the tug. I am often so afraid to let Him pick up a different color in my life, yet I am not comfortable staying where I am. I wasn't designed to stay this way.

I am learning about real courage and real faith. I am beginning to learn that real courage doesn't cast out fear altogether, but it asks you to stand up, step out of the boat and walk BECAUSE you are afraid. Because you know it's the right thing to do.