though i don't have the technical experience to perfect this and i'll likely belly flop, i'm going to step forward anyway. i'll give you a nod and maybe even a slight wink, and then i'll take a step. right now.
the considering and deliberating is the scary part.
the water isn't the color i thought it'd be and the season seems a little off to me. alas, i've heard the call and i've decided not to turn back.
we'll do this thing -- whatever that might end up being i am not 100% certain -- and i'm going to just trust.
someone deemed me worthy of the life we share together. i recognize how very important our story is and i've decided not to question.
this is today's decision. i recognize that tomorrow might feel very differently and i might be torn to consider doubting again. i will wrestle confusion to the ground again -- it's inevitable -- and we'll go round and round until i get tired of myself.
we might look at each other and feel the tendency to blame one another when the chaos seems like taking this step was a stupid thing to even consider. i realize the risk in that and today i'm okay with it. because, i am embracing our humanness -- our sloppy, messy, hypocrite-like tendencies that tend to act out emotion rather than identifying, examining and discussing it.
i'm in. all in.
this step i'm taking is a surrender -- a releasing of control. an acknowledging that i don't know what is right or best or even what i want. i'm embracing the 180-like shift in our almost plans.
it feels a bit risky to dive without knowing how deep the water is, and to step without knowing what is coming next . . . but my amount of faith mixed with your amount of faith will be enough. we already are enough. and truthfully, we didn't need the faith -- He already made us enough.
so, let's embrace our enough-ness and lay low our fears and together take this step.
: : :
to my groom,
i've acted like a child who was too impatient to wait for her father to give her what she wanted most -- who, resentful of the waiting crossed her arms and pouted, and then when the gift was handed to her spouted: "but i don't want it any more!" -- because, it was so hard to surrender into the waiting, and i'm so scared of false starts and empty gifts.
i realize i have huge trust issues with God and a tremendous weakness in my ability to live out hope and faith, and i'm realizing that my surrendering became prideful -- a "look, i surrendered!" attitude that says, "don't make me do it again! because, i had this other vision i was asked to yield to and so i did, and now, this -- a 180 shift, again!"
and here i am, fearing that my thinking out loud here with you might be sloppy and confusing and just too much . . . that you won't get me and i'll just make a mess.
these lower case letters are a reflection of my small, shaky voice that struggles to believe i am enough. that we are enough. that we will be given enough.
so this piece is my: "okay, i'll surrender the vision to try for one of our own" -- and again, a yielding, perhaps now to the true desires of my heart.
i'm surrendering -- giving up the control and the fight and to just see what He wills. i'm taking this step.
i love you. more than words or my life can ever reflect.
a
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