this is the one that's hardest to write.
the one where i fear i'll talk in circles or vagueries and where i might sound just so over the top. you'll call me a type a and we'll both joke and inside i'll be wounded by this. because, being classified as a type doesn't fix how i feel, or my tendencies, or what struggles i face: struggles that i know we all face but so many of us are so damned afraid to admit it.
we all are a bit intense and we all have a tendency of over thinking Every. Thing. sometimes.
so here i am, faced with having declared that i feel compelled to do something and calling it God-sized and now it feels like my life just took a complete 180. the very thing i surrendered to -- painfully and excruciatingly -- is now suddenly a very real possibility. God is funny like that.
if i've learned anything in my life it's not to plan. yet, there are still tendencies that i have to plan. compulsively plan. it's become a joke in my family and when i'm not planning i'm looking the complete opposite way and appearing in la-la land: mrs. can't commit.
part of my non-committal might be fear.
part of the excruciating part of surrender might be fear and pride.
part of my craziness might be . . . fear, pride, and well, a little bit of crazy.
when i have my hands all over my life it's like trying to butter a wet turkey, or cut a round melon. every thing feels like it just flops and drops all over the place.
i become a slave to control -- the attempt to keep every thing just so, just right, and just the way i want it. it's exhausting.
i want to experience freedom even more than i have ever experienced it before. i want to let go. and the only way is to commit -- my marriage, my parenting, my husband, my children, my friends and friendships, my writing, my work, my body, my fertility, my future, my very life -- all to Him.
i needn't worry or be anxious about any thing. i can give thanks, because he works all things for me. he truly does. i can believe this.
he loves me so much that he allowed my crazy to happen -- for me to whirl and twirl in exhaustion -- so that i'd fall to my knees in surrender.
so i'm letting go. one more finger is pried open. and one more is better than none.
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I wrote this post on a Friday afternoon. It's my truest reflection of what was percolating in my heart. And it was after a conversation with a dear friend who speaks truth and helps me to See the One who matters most. These words are unedited and a bit whimsy, yet I completely trust that they are necessary. My prayer is for you to See Him, too. Rich blessings . . .
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