I'm developing a different kind of muscle memory these days; the kind that rests more than it clenches. My whole being is learning to loosen the grip I long held on everything that nearly strangled life right out of me.
A lot of my days were spent so focused on growing that I overlooked who I was. Laughing at my mistakes was something I couldn't imagine doing. I intensely and perfectly tried to be someone I wasn't and missed out on simply appreciating and enjoying me. Rules became my Ruler; my rigid and legalistic ways become my god.
God is so much bigger than me and any of my rules. He allowed me to reach a point of exhaustion where I fell in a heap and said:
"If there's work to be done in me, You do it.
I'm too tired to try anymore to fix me!
I'm choosing to just be me, as I am
I'm trusting this is enough."
In the midst of my giving up with trying to be better or different than I was, my hope was restored and I was given a fresh anointing of peace. And I was able to see that rest is the kind of offering that honors Him best.
To simply live, as I am . . . this is the heart of worship.
It took a long time for me to realize that no one and no thing could fulfill my dreams and give me the kind of life I longed to have. I was angry and agitated for so long, disappointed by all that I thought would give me happiness and peace.
It took brokenness for me to discover that I am loved far more than I ever considered.
It took a depleted heart for me to trust God and rest . . . to live.
Even in the midst of uncertainties and questions that tempt to evade our very peace, we can trust that God loves us and He's got us, and everyone else, too. He knows just how far to let us go and just how far to take us in the valley; we can take a hands-off approach to fixing us (and fixing others).
We can rest.
Though it looks like God is cruel in allowing detours, delays, and disappointment, we can trust there's something He has for us to learn in the process that we've called waiting and simply call it: living.
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Join me at God-Sized Dreams for more on how I'm learning to hold even my dreams loosely.
Also linking with Jennifer.