Friday, January 3, 2014

my choice, my story

I wish I could wrap a pretty bow around my story and say that I'm "all better" . . .

I'm still tempted to say it doesn't matter . . . that there isn't still a lump that I feel in my throat when I talk about this part in my life story.

I wish I didn't still look around my shoulder to consider who that I know might be listening and fear certain people finding out.

I don't talk about this part in my story much at all, and when I do I still pick at the words as though I'm picking at the hem of my sleeve.

Today, sharing my story is still sometimes very hard for me. I still feel the heaviness in the pit of my stomach.

I was supposed to be the "good girl". This expectation of myself and that I failed still humbles me and I still feel sadness and see shame cowering in the corner when I think about how I wasn't really good . . . 

: : : 

A good friend recommended me to share my story at where I was asked pointed questions that are personal and that I wish wasn't still difficult.

I need you to know that it was a journey for me to get to this place where an interview was even something I would consider and be willing to step into.

I've shared about this on a few occasions, but this one was different and one I had to say "no, thank you" to, and with time ultimately reconsider.

In the telling of my story in this way, God has brought me to an even deeper place of healing. 

I have struggled with the fact that I *still* struggle in ways that I wish I didn't, and in the process of admitting this . . . He has helped me to S T I L L.

     To quiet . . .
     To rest . . .
     To loosen . . .

          my grip . . .

               on all of the fears that have kept my heart boxed up tight.

I chose to pursue hope in the telling of my story in this way, and in the process trust -- that He will purpose and touch someone with His love in some incredibly personal and profound way.

I am humbled that He would use me to reflect His magnificent glory and grace.

Join me at to read more . . .

this is my worship. 

1 comment:

  1. Amy,
    Just today I wrote my desire to be Divinely fearless, instead of merely pretending to be so. Keep being brave, by God's Grace.
    In peace,