I struggled in 2013 with my own weaknesses, limitations, wants, angst, and embarrassing temptations. God used them all to refine me, over and over again showing me His true and never ending love for me.
The word Choose kept finding me last year. God called me out of the cave where my habit was to hover and hide, and he invited me to a seat at the table to experience joy and freedom to Be, as I am. He told me I was capable and He would bring the rest.
He helped me to be willing to surrender my wants by taking me through what felt like a gutting of pride and want. It was an incredibly painful, yet ultimately peace-filled journey. He led me to eventually choose His will over mine and to choose real -- accepting what is, as it is (especially me, as I am).
It's up to me to choose to receive His gifts and what I discover is the greatest peace I could never create.
Though my life and my days aren't the way they would be had I written the script, they are what they are and I can't make them be any different. I've tried to force things to be certain ways and people to be as I think I want them to be, only to admit the exhaustion that overwhelms me through all the wasted trying. I learned the gift found in yielding by simply saying I am willing and I saw how He did, indeed, bring the rest.
I get anxious sometimes that maybe I've made up my dreams, or that maybe they're a reflection of want. I worry and wonder that maybe they won't come to be. I see the ways others seem to get to do things important and meaning-filled and I sometimes feel left out, as though I'm standing in the periphery and out of the crowd.
I want to be at the drawing board to plan and launch new and big things, yet I realize that what I truly want most is to rest in the trust that my part and my place right here isn't wasted.
He specifically aligned me with specific people for specific purposes, weaving me with hearts in personal and quiet ways. I see this and I choose to give thanks as I remember how He's told me that all of this is no small thing.
God has given me a deep wanting to trust Him deeply and more. He's led me to let go of the anger and frustration that boils up when I don't get what I think I want and try to have . . .
to loosen my grip on life and not bind every idea and vision up so tight or box up hope . . .
to let loose order and control (a reflection of my fear) . . .
to hold loose the tendrils of my dreams, not expecting them to be what I think.
Even though I am restless for unrealized dreams, I still can choose hope. I can expect Him to astound me and awe me as He continues to blow the roof off of my faith. So with His lead, I am stepping into 2014 with Loose, a word that reflects trust, surrender, willingness, and rest.
this is my worship.