It gets ugly and I wish it wouldn't. {Just like regular life, I suppose.}
There seems to always be shouting and a wanting to give up. Words are spoken that aren't really meant. Truth bubbles up and has no where to go.
I finally get to the point where I admit that I handled too many bags in one hand. Where I'm just so humbled for the table that's there to catch the jar from an inevitable crash.
It's like there isn't any room left at the Inn of my [very] full self.
I get to a point where I can't take any more and life proves to me that it's just so out of my control.
I'm not happy with myself or anyone in this space where everyone feels the brunt of my disappointment. I get angry at me and the whole, wide, blessed world.
It's awful-feeling here. I get mad at myself and take it out on everyone else.
Where I get anxious for dreams that aren't yet fulfilled. For early, late, and perhaps even forgotten gifts.
Can't I just be more grateful?!
Why do I have to be so obsessive and compulsive?
Why can't I just let it all go and full-heartedly surrender?
Why can't I be {even more} "whatever" like?
I struggle and Christmas crashes,
and I'm learning that it's okay this way.
God tells me: Don't be so angry with yourself. Just let it and you Be.
I know this and yet this kind of catching and releasing sometimes feels more like short-leashing. The way it is isn't particularly how I'd have it. I've been hoping to be more accepting of this place and all the waiting for what my heart really aches.
But I'm still anxious today.
And so with the word that has followed me all through the year,
I {timidly} Choose . . .
to stay here . . .
to bend low and receive . . .
Even though it isn't what I'd want if I could write the script myself, I'm choosing . . .
To see all of this as His gift . . .
the slowing and the draining of Me.
this is our worship.
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Oh, Amy, I immediately thought of Kris' post. And, oh, I've had days/weeks/months/years of feeling like this--the 'why I can't I just be___________(more, better, different)? but I guess that's a good sign--because we know there IS more, because of our Saviour.
ReplyDeleteRest and rejoice. and Merry Christmas.
thought and wrote about this very thing today. Me, my Christmas, my life, I want it to be sufficient, like His Grace.
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas, sweet friend. What we have right now, what we hold within us, it is enough.
Peace and God's good to you.