Tuesday, October 1, 2013

blurry vision

*I* got in the way this morning. The selfishness was heavy.

I've felt a stirring to write for the 31 consecutive days of October on a semi-biggish project I've been working on for awhile -- this *some.thing.* that He's been working in me for even longer.

I doubt it'll be all tied up with a pretty bow at the end of these 31 days. What I do know is that in the steady rhythm there will be something that wasn't there before.

Frankly, I don't want to write for 31 days. Not this way, with the structure and discipline.

Disciplined is something I loathe.
Control is something I crave.

When anything begins to feel like a have to, I cringe and resist.

There are only a few people with whom I've shared the details. Mostly I just hint around them or bypass them altogether and keep it all hush-hush, usually mocking this semi-biggish project in some way.

Fear keeps me quiets and I know it. 

And now, with all this prompting for a radical 31-day write, I know it's time.

It's time to dig deep and do it.
It's time for a steady rhythm.
It's time for the discipline.
It's time to step out and not shirk, hide, or cower.
It's time to fast all the things that I've longed to give me comfort.

So this morning when I peeled back the curtain on another day -- the start of October in all her glory -- I was scared for what it meant. I didn't seek Him or ask Him to guide me. I just trudged through the feeling of angst and resentment while I hammer-pounded my fingers on the keyboard, fighting for the words. My eyes were blurry-tired and I might have even dozed for a few seconds. 

Today was hard fought. 

He tells me it was worship, but still, I know *I* got in the way. I tripped up on myself and stumbled. The words came -- a bit more than 1,000 of them -- though I'm not sure how much they made sense with my vision being blurred and all. 

Being Real isn't easy and smooth-going for me. 

Though I wish it was more natural, I have to own that I struggle with what people will think; especially if I end up not doing what I say I'll do. I'm learning that this, too, is part of the process of living. That even if I don't end up with a {day 2} in this month-long journey, even that will have purpose. 

There is no failure when you're tucked inside the crook of His arm. 

I believe this, yet I struggle to reflect that belief with a trust-filled step forward and a hope-filled breath. 

Blurry vision is a thought I have carried with me all day -- how, we step when we don't always see.

So, I write on. Today, in the valley.

And maybe tomorrow I'll prove my mettle to speak about this semi-biggish project with more specificity and less eccentricity.

"The test of our spiritual life is the power to descend . . .
[the mountains] are for moments of inspiration, that is all . . .

We are built for the valley,
for the ordinary stuff we are in,
and that is where we have to prove our mettle . . .

The mount is not meant to teach us anything,
it is meant to make us something."

--Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest

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1 comment:

  1. "Disciplined is something I loathe. Control is something I crave." I am the same way. I can relate to so much of this post. And I love the Oswald Chambers' quote. I hope you get the courage to speak out about your project or at least push fear aside and make it happen. God will carry you through either way.