Monday, June 24, 2013

I swear. So what.

It's true.

I swear. Like, really loud sometimes.

I have been known to use the nasty "F" bomb.

I say words to my family like, "I don't care!"

I slam doors.

I get in the car and drive away really fast.

: : : 

I sometimes hate myself.

I sometimes go *there* -- to that really dark place that has no life.

I sometimes want to walk away from my family, until I consider what it would look like to look back.

I sometimes get tired of apologizing.
: : : 

I want to duck from the heaviness of shame.

I want to do anything and everything to erase my actions.

I want to fall into grace.

I want to be accepted.

I want to remember only He can rescue me.

: : : 

He knew I'd need to know I'm loved, so He named me Beloved.

He knew I'd poison the walls of my house with provocative words.

He knew I'd commit adultery with my sword of a tongue that lashes and tears at the heart.

He knew I'd hurt them.

He knew I'd fail them.

He knew I'd make a mess.

He knew I'd sit in shame and wallow and get to the very bottom of myself.

He knew I'd need to be holey.

: : : 

The Light.

The Freedom.

The Grace.

The Healing.

The Peace.

The Joy.

The Love.

The Surrender.

The Acceptance.

The Plan.

The Wholeness.

The Holy.

The Life.

: : : 

And that's the most remarkable, jaw dropping, life changing, table turning, world flipping thing of all.

He knew where to meet me. Though His intention was for another way, He still uses the schmuck that I am. He knew that to know Him we sometimes have to flail, flop, and fuck up.

(Yep, I said it. Because, that's what it is sometimes. More than just make a mess -- because that sounds so pretty and cute and lady like. But I'm not always. Hardly ever, actually.)

He knew what it would take for me to know the depths of His love. 
He doesn't care how I got here.

He is not scandalized by my shit.

He made me for purpose -- all of me, knowing I'd scream and shout and swear.

And that is true Love.

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  1. "He knew where to meet me."

    yes. yes. yes.

    i loved this, Amy. such hope here. i love that you are letting yourself be seen. trusting that you are loved. and teaching me that i am, too. even when a blue streak erupts from my mouth ...

    1. This was incredibly hard to post, to be honest. Like, really, really, REALLY hard. I was just debating about taking that terrible "F" word off of my post when I read your words just now. I know in my heart the word and the story and all of this is necessary. He led me to write the honest and raw, and He told me to trust. He wrapped it all in such love and that was the point, not the word or anything else. Your words were affirmation and I so appreciate what you had to say. I'm so grateful He spoke to you as He did to me.

  2. He is in the middle of every messy moment.....and those beloved of God are the sacred. Sacred moments, tell the story of where we have come from......and the hope....that in every messy moment.... a gift we alone find in Him.