How I want to jump out of it. My skin.
The excitement is palpable. Itchy almost.
I want to get there -- to where my visions lie.
But this process is necessary.
And I'm not so anxious that I dread the Now.
I'm just excited for what my heart knows deep inside.
Every single moment of my life has led up to this one.
The truth of this is incredibly overwhelming.
I tell two people and they both say the same thing, "it's almost scary."
And yeah, it is. But, I think . . .
What if I didn't do what I did all those times?
That's where it's most scary to me.
What if I didn't say Yes when I was invited to do this or that?
I can see how all those willing moments connect to each other.
Glimpses of God is what I see.
Almost like a little boy crouching behind a fence, scurrying from one corner of someone's lawn to another.
Smiling. Spying. Scheming.
Excited is my God. For the plans He has for me.
Just like a Boy-Man who has a fun game to play and wants everyone to play along, too.
It's not trickery. It's joy-sharing.
This is a metamorphic moment in my life.
For now, I'm crawling low on the ground, scurrying and slinking.
I admit how I reach for everything and anything to feed me, to fill the gaping holes in me.
It's obvious to me how He wants to be my Food. My Fill. My Whole.
He wants me to trust that great things can come of broken, prideful, dangerous me.
I think of David and how he was so far from perfect. And yet, God chose him and used him.
He tells me my story is for purpose and every moment allowed to make way for beauty.
I remember how brilliant colors are most pronounced on dark canvas.
He shows me how Holy is already a part of me.
I think of David and how he declared. Even though he doubted, he declared.
His love for me is so overwhelming. How He keeps on working at me.
I'm headed to more declaring these days. For the hope I am certain of.
And I'm doing more grace-receiving. For me. Just as I am.
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Kris Camealy is a writer who God has made my friend and who recently launched a book called, Holey, Wholly, Holy. I devoured her words with a hunger to be ever closer to Wholeness. I keep going back to it these days, sipping the truth and steeping in the richness of life that death to self has to offer. I have so much more to say about this book -- it isn't for everyone at once, it's for everyone at different times. Because, truly, there are seasons to life and we are wise to let Him percolate willingness in us to really begin to see the depths of His love; to go there really is transforming and awe-embarking.
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