My emotions were raw with sadness over yesterday's rash attempts for control.
Pinning myself a failure, I couldn't help but scavage around for worth.
Because, I felt less than in every way.
I wanted to pile on apology after apology and beg the Boy to forget my lashing out at him.
Because that's just what I did--at. him.
The memory of his words haunted me at the start of today's fresh beginning. How he didn't want to get out of bed yesterday because he wasn't sure if he'd be good enough.
He's been yelled at and spoken to--a. lot. lately.
And though there's an explanation for each, and rationalizations abound from our parenting perspectives, it still hurts a little boy not yet a man.
It crushes his spirit to wonder if he's good enough.
My heart breaks over this. Split in two, right smack down the middle.
A shattering of my idol self.
And so, I crawled out of my sweat soaked bed and found myself in his. Caressing his hair and rubbing his back. At 2 o'clock in the wee a.m.
Kissing his forehead, I nearly begged him awake and to not remember yesterday.
I knew my request was irrational and the likelihood impossible.
Yelling hasn't met with me in awhile. And this month, it seems I've caught myself up all over again.
Desperate for today to be a new day, I stood in its fresh newness and wanted every bit of its different.
And just as I prayed in truth, the realization struck me and peace enveloped me.
It already is different--it's a brand new day, and only just the beginning.
Thank you, Father, for your mercies new every morning.
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{Grace} Unwrapped...
...how the Boy knows I care about his feelings...
...how helping him to tell the truth about them really speaks to me...
...the ways I grow in living honestly by teaching my son to do this...
...and how it feels so good to respect my own feelings...
...how being a *feelings person* gives perspective...
...the ways my own gratitude teaches my son to be a grace-hunter...
...my groom rebuking our son's occasional rudeness toward me...
...and the feelings of being cared for overwhelm me so...
...how each day holds teacups of laughter overflowing into our hearts...
Visiting from Ann's blog. Such an honest and beautiful post. Thank you for sharing from your heart, and yes, his mercies are renewed each morning, so great is his faithfulness!
ReplyDeleteJoanne xo
I understand your feelings completely. Please remember you are just human. He doesn't expect you to be perfect--nor should you expect yourself to be. I have lain awake wishing I could take away words said, looks given and just the general tone of the whole day. You are doing the right thing--starting anew. Hugs to you Mama.
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