I don't know what the future holds.
Simple stories of my living have made me See.
My eyes are awakened and I am aware of things I wasn't aware of before.
I've chosen to do things I swore I'd never do.
I've said things I swore I'd never say.
I've criticized friends and neighbors for doing these very same things...
and now I'm doing them.
My perspective was narrow then.
I didn't know what life would do to me--what it would *require.*
Two thoughts cross my mind and they both bring me to my knees.
I am ashamed for my own Selfishness. Pride. Fear.
My son could be gay.
{and}
He might choose the military...and die before I'm ready.
All the dreams I have had for him...
All the plans I have laid out for him...
All the ways his life will influence mine...
It's all wrapped up in selfish ambition.
The ways my eyes have been opened now lead me to say So. What?!
This child of mine isn't really mine, anyway.
He's God's, through and through.
And there's this purpose behind his life and it isn't to make me happy.
He'll make choices that will be his own life story.
He'll grow and he'll hurt.
He'll make mistakes.
And through it all, every bit of his life will be used For. Purpose.
I believe this with all my heart.
Yet still, I cling. It's the human thing to do.
{And duh!, I'm not the superhero I sometimes think I *should* be.}
Grace says I accept you--I look past your choices and I See You.
This way of Seeing rocks me to the core. And though I'm tempted to feel shame for my nakedness, I am choosing gratefulness, instead.
I understand Grace a bit more.
I understand what this *requires*--
Laying. Down. Me.
Surrendering. My. Plans.
Accepting. Different.
That's all that matters.
__________________________________________________________
Gratitude for {Grace}...
...how specific family and friends gather all because of this boy's life...
...a picnic on the boat, complete with birthday cake...
...having fun capturing Autumn's glory...
...how our new momma-pup's fear isn't yet awake in the early dawn...
...learning patience for my new running partner's fears...
...realizing my own fears limit my acceptance of my groom...
...orange and red and yellow magnificence of Fall...
...living in a place with four seasons...
...how the Boy keeps asking how long "the dog" will be visiting us...
...my delight that "the dog" is settling in and she'll stay...
...the Boy's concern that she might miss her pups...
...and his hope we'll have her with us for Thanksgiving...
...skipping a week of travel for work, leading to four weeks at home...
...coming to terms with coaches decisions and trusting in what's best...
...choosing to See fellow bloggers as Friends...
...sharing the joy of music with my Boy...
...how hockey practice provides time for just my groom and me...
...a walk with my mom and knowing I won't have her forever...
...how our momma-pup barked in protection of the Boy...
...giddiness over *possibilities*...
...comfort in contentment for Today and hopes for Tomorrow...
Join A {Grace} full *life* facebook community.
Oh, beautiful words on grace and mothering. It is a daily relying on His grace and mercy, and knowing the children we are blessed with are His and He does have a purpose for putting them with us for their raising...what an awesome blessing!
ReplyDeleteand yes, the joy of sharing music...such a wonderful common thread of humanity that transmits cultures and times...music...
So glad you stopped by today!
Oh Amy...this is sooo true in my life...nothing like eating a little carpet while God always...judge and it will be judged back to you...but when I raise...I know Grace a little better...
ReplyDeleteGreat post...
Blessings~
beautiful as always, Amy.
ReplyDeleteparenting is a laying down of ourselves, isn't it? and. it's. so. hard!
blessings,
Nacole
Amy~ This is how God humbles me. I have eaten my fill of words until I am stuffed sick with them. All the things I have judged hastily, and all of the times I have looked pridefully down my nose, the things I swore I'd never... I always remember the verses that talk about how God disciplines the ones he loves and somehow, that helps me to find peace in laying bare before him, confessing, learning to live better, to live more in Him.... thank you for this, sweet friend. Your words settle deep on me today.
ReplyDeleteI love how you said 'this way of Seeing rocks me to the core.' Beautiful Amy! Picnic on a boat sounds amazing! Seeing 4 seasons is such a gift. I love being in a place that has 4 seasons too. Seeing fellow bloggers as friends... YES... friend! :)
ReplyDeleteWe are the great "borrowers" Amy. Nothing we have, including our children, our ours. Amen.
ReplyDeleteThese words are easy to tap on the keyboard and hard to live out.
Praying for your journey in motherhood as I know you pray for mine too.