Washed Away

What follows is a guest post written by one of my closest and dearest friends. She courageously walked through our yesterdays and how it led to our friendship today.

Together, we worship our Father in the telling of part of our story of friendship to honor what He's done in us. We pray the telling of it will nourish and give hope of God's grace - evident through a road of incredible pain and ugliness.  Our friendship was invested in God, and was purposed and crafted by Him, alone. 

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I know that the sin has been washed away. Years ago it was. And it’s all been forgiven. But I believe it shouldn’t ever be forgotten.

To forget and to pretend it didn’t happen is saying that the beginning of the story doesn’t matter. That God’s hand was not fully involved.

He created such goodness from such fear and despair. 

I remember the day I met him. I remember being fully aware that I should not have anything to do with him. It was very clear in my mind that I knew it wasn’t a good idea. 

I still see in my mind’s eye what I was looking at the day I was determined to keep my distance. 

I knew of Amy. I knew he had grown up with her and that they were engaged now. I knew they were Christians, like me. Which to be fair, it was hard to find other [Jesus] believers during college. I was on my last year of college and craved the connection of others who had that same faith. 

I was waiting for God to match me with the one He’d chosen for me. 

Knowing of a relationship that was matched by God and held the faith in high regard was right in front of me and I was jealous. Jealous of what they had. Worried that I would never get to be in a relationship with a man who shared my faith. 

I was worried that no one would choose me. 

Weeks and months went on and the dynamic of my close knit circle of friends changed and shifted. My roommate and I grew apart, and he and I grew closer. It all just fell into place.  We spent more time together and the connection was natural.

It was really just a mixed up time. Graduating college, no job, no relationship. 

The thing I wanted the most -- to be chosen -- wasn’t happening and my other girl friends were getting scooped up by their husbands to be. I now know how all of that outside joyfulness doesn’t wash away all the fears each of them had about their own lives. But to me then, they had it all because they had the thing I most wanted. 

Mostly I felt guilt for my relationship with a man who was about to be married - Amy’s future husband. Though we were exclusively friends, we did connect emotionally.  

I felt like I could’ve stopped it all from happening. That it was solely my fault. I knew how I felt at the beginning, that I should keep my distance. But once it was set into motion it became the balm my soul needed, to live a life that I wanted. 

During the school week, it was almost like I was stealing Amy’s life. I was filling an emotional void for him while Amy was away at a different college. When she visited I was casted aside and rightfully so, but still it hurt. His hand in this was just as great as mine but I knew better from the start and should have been stronger.

Fast forward a few months after graduation. Their wedding would be in a few weeks. 

Amy sends me an email. 

I know Amy was called by God to reach out to me and even if her reasons weren't fully selfless, she still obeyed. 

This was grace. 

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A decade has followed since then, and time does amazing things to the memory. Stay tuned for my own perspective of the beginning of our story of friendship...

This is the second in a seven-part series on friendship and grace.  

1. Purpose In The Story