Wednesday, December 22, 2010

What I need...

This Christmas wasn't supposed to be the one I fretted about.  I wasn't going to be one of THOSE people who stresses and complains about it all.  I decided not to do Christmas cards and instead spend my time in other ways this year - and I wasn't going to feel guilty about that decision, either.  I wasn't going to look for the perfect gift and I was going to be satisfied with simple thoughtfulness.

This was supposed to be the Christmas that I would be fully In-Joy over.   

Even with the two deaths our family has experienced within 14 months...

Even with the transition of delicately re-arranging my heart after opening it wide to eight teenagers who truthfully really aren't my family... 

Even with (yet another) address change for our family and settling into a home that needs some work, and the necessary waiting for funds to be replenished...

I was going to be FULLY-IN-JOY!

Fully.  In.  Joy.

And I am.  Really, I am.


I did have that moment when every thing made me cry.  And the lies that I am not worthy - they got together and began to have a holiday party inside my head.  I lost it.  I really lost it...a little bit.

I am sad about not having my Gram and Gramp Russell with us this Christmas - not even one of them. 

I am sad to not have been invited to the party and be thought of.

I am sad for how I am not as important as I thought I was. 

I am sad...over mostly really silly nothing-ness because I know what really IS important, and I know what needs to be, and I know life moves on, and I know that waiting is sometimes important, and I know I can't have it all, and I know I'm not as important as I think I am.

But...still...I am really human today.  No if's and's or butt's about it...this girl surely is ordinary.

I'm struggling to find the perfect gift for my husband - a gift that says I thought about you and yet makes him happy - and a gift that uses our limited finances thoughtfully.

Maybe if I paint my nails red-ish tonight and giggle with my mom I'll feel better. 

Or maybe a good ol' fashioned dose of real-ness needed to settle upon me.  Maybe it's this moment - the normalcy of my thoughts and feelings - that is EXACTLY what God has allowed to humble me and remind me to come to Him...weary and burdened.

I know the truth. 

I don't need a preacher. 

I don't need much...

But I know I need Love. 

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