This Christmas wasn't supposed to be the one I fretted about. I wasn't going to be one of THOSE people who stresses and complains about it all. I decided not to do Christmas cards and instead spend my time in other ways this year - and I wasn't going to feel guilty about that decision, either. I wasn't going to look for the perfect gift and I was going to be satisfied with simple thoughtfulness.
This was supposed to be the Christmas that I would be fully In-Joy over.
Even with the two deaths our family has experienced within 14 months...
Even with the transition of delicately re-arranging my heart after opening it wide to eight teenagers who truthfully really aren't my family...
Even with (yet another) address change for our family and settling into a home that needs some work, and the necessary waiting for funds to be replenished...
I was going to be FULLY-IN-JOY!
Fully. In. Joy.
And I am. Really, I am.
I did have that moment when every thing made me cry. And the lies that I am not worthy - they got together and began to have a holiday party inside my head. I lost it. I really lost it...a little bit.
I am sad about not having my Gram and Gramp Russell with us this Christmas - not even one of them.
I am sad to not have been invited to the party and be thought of.
I am sad for how I am not as important as I thought I was.
I am sad...over mostly really silly nothing-ness because I know what really IS important, and I know what needs to be, and I know life moves on, and I know that waiting is sometimes important, and I know I can't have it all, and I know I'm not as important as I think I am.
But...still...I am really human today. No if's and's or butt's about it...this girl surely is ordinary.
I'm struggling to find the perfect gift for my husband - a gift that says I thought about you and yet makes him happy - and a gift that uses our limited finances thoughtfully.
Maybe if I paint my nails red-ish tonight and giggle with my mom I'll feel better.
Or maybe a good ol' fashioned dose of real-ness needed to settle upon me. Maybe it's this moment - the normalcy of my thoughts and feelings - that is EXACTLY what God has allowed to humble me and remind me to come to Him...weary and burdened.
I know the truth.
I don't need a preacher.
I don't need much...
But I know I need Love.