Wednesday, June 5, 2013

surrendering superwoman

every thing is coming at me at once. or, at least it seems that way.

     a potential job that seems so much bigger than me . . .

     a potential adoption journey -- or maybe now it's another child of our own . . .

     a potential book -- or maybe even two . . .

     a vision of a ministry . . .

it's crazy how so much is happening at once. i'm hope-filled.
yet, to be honest, i'm also completely exhausted.

i've been a chaser of control.

life happens and we can't stop it. and even if we could, would we really want to? because, isn't this the stuff life is made of? actual living?

i'm intensely excited about corners i can't see around. almost insanely so.

risk is something i feel is breathing down my neck. and really, it's faith nudging me. prompting me to walk when the water is just underneath my feet -- so close i can feel it next to my skin. to live a life of actively trusting Him.

my toes are wet. i've experienced His glory. and it's confusing and so incredibly overwhelming.

     what do i do with this?, i ask. now what?!

grace brings all things together and makes it known that He is still in the miracle business.

i am reminded that i worship the same God that Moses did. and Abraham. Sarah. And David.

He invites me to bring to Him all the things i hold too closely -- my Isaac's.

so i search my heart . . .

     my son . . . my groom . . . my vision of a perfect marriage . . . my job . . . my very life . . .

          . . . a second child . . . adoption . . . the book . . . attention . . . my desire to be noticed . . .

i've been asked to consider surrendering every thing. -- as in, Every. Thing. 

     as in, put my entire heart on the line and my doubt of how it's all i'm all held together.

i've been asked to surrender all that has come from hard work -- the flat belly and the ripped shoulders and back, and the eight-pack abs -- the epitome of pride.

i'm being asked to surrender my longing for perfect patience and perfect gentleness and not burned dinners -- all the things i expect of myself that are too big and completely unfair.

for a lot of my life i lived under the illusion that i needed to live like a superhero.

eventually i learned that though i am capable of a lot, i am usually not asked to do as much as i think is expected of me. He calls me to simple and that has become the most difficult -- it seems so weak and an inefficient, wasted use of time.

a doctor once spoke these words to me: "today isn't a day to be superwoman." those words seared in me as i squirmed and cringed to avoid the truth that i was in pain, as he scoured my uterus for what remained of a placenta from the little girl i never got to know, though who He knew. God used that moment to allow me the feeling of pain, yet my *self* was in the way to feel it.

my pride said i don't need Him to heal because there's nothing there that needs healing. and of course, the truth was i needed Him more than ever.

when we trust Him anyway . . . 
     even though we don't have it all together 
     and even though everything is happening altogether . . . 
we are living by faith and we are actively living out worship

life *whirls and twirls* around us and still, we do it anyway. we live -- honestly. real. -- just the way we were created to be, even with our doubt and fear and confusion and overwhelming sense of not being enough. He tells me again and again: This. Is. Worship.

when we dig deep and search our heart for what bits of self remain and choose to call them out -- own the self-righteousness, the pride, the controlling self that tries to position ourselves as god . . .

     when we cry out in the night with sheer agony that this is just so hard . . .

     when we dare to tell the story of darkness, even though we've yet to see the beauty . . .

He honors our heart . . .

     and therein lies the miracle . . . and we begin to See Him for Real.

     and in the seeing, we learn to release one more finger from our gripped-tight hand . . .

     and we begin to trust a little bit more that we are, truly, enough.

Share your heart . . . add a comment below.


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  1. Oh Amy... this.
    I find myself wrapped around example after example here. There is just so much truth and grace smeared all over these words and how I wish you could see my tears and smiles so that you could know that you are not alone.
    This line:
    "eventually i learned that though i am capable of a lot, i am usually not asked to do as much as i think is expected of me." I learned this hard reality when my back went out and I had an infant and I, literally, could not find words to ask for help. I was so used to doing EVERYTHING that I didn't know how to ask someone else to do it! It was the most humbling moment of my life, as well as the most transformative. I began therapy shortly after that, so that I could find the words.
    And then this:
    "when we trust Him anyway . . .
    even though we don't have it all together
    and even though everything is happening altogether . . .
    we are living by faith and we are actively living out worship."
    I will be taking this with me for a long, long time.
    So very thankful for you, Amy. So.thankful.

    1. Oh, Holly! I have tears . . . for you and all of us. These words came at such a cost -- such a hard fought surrender. That, though we don't share the same exact experiences we can still relate, is such grace!

  2. Beautiful and brave. It's exciting to anticipate what God can do with complete transparency and surrender. Blessings, Amy, whatever way He takes you.

    1. Yes, it is exciting, indeed! Blessings to you as well, Tresta.

  3. when we trust Him anyway. oh, my tears fall this morning as I realize that I have not been surrendering. that my way is so much easier than His, and so I take my own road and not His.

    and then I start to see the pieces falling into their appointed places, and I am devastated by the blessings I almost lost.

    1. Oh, Rachel -- "the blessings I almost lost" -- we have no idea. Though it seems so "nearly lost" by us . . . we have no idea just how much in His grace we still are. I'm grateful for how He reminds us that we can't so easily fall out of His will. Though, I, too, consider what I could have lost by my disobedience and it does move me to surrender a bit more -- indeed, more grace.

  4. oh the messy surrender! it's beautiful in it's purpose, in spite of the pain that must be endured. you are brave, my friend. the transformation is tangible--His glory revealing.... love you.

    1. You help me to remember the necessity in surrender, Kris. I am incredibly grateful.

  5. Amy I feel so privileged to be beautifully exposed to your words. They are a living breathing testament to this life of love walked out with Him. I don't know everything you are going through specifically but I can share that we had one child biologically adopted and then had another right on the heels of adoption. So one never knows how he will knit and form our families. I look forward to walking out this wonderful blessed masterpiece that is His call on your days and your gifts. Thank you for your honest words. They are such a gift, your beautiful story is being written.

    1. oh, friend -- I desperately want to walk this life with Him and yet so often I trudge ahead in frustration for what I don't yet see. He's teaching me to wait patiently and I'm incredibly grateful for the patience He has with me in my surrendering to the waiting. Your encouragement breathes life to me -- thank you.

  6. This brings to mind images of Joseph wrestling with the angel. This painful place of surrender isn't a one time visit, is it? But such beauty, grace, and strength emerges each time. Thank you for your honesty.

    1. I need to remember this, Kim -- I won't arrive and won't "tackle" this; it will come around again, and again, and again. But yes, grace is the strength that emerges each time and there is such beauty in this. I appreciate your reminder.

  7. I am excited for all that God has for you, Amy. I've captured bits and pieces over the last year or so, but there are new developments here. What I wouldn't give for a one-on-one, face-to-face afternoon with you someday.