a potential job that seems so much bigger than me . . .
a potential adoption journey -- or maybe now it's another child of our own . . .
a potential book -- or maybe even two . . .
a vision of a ministry . . .
it's crazy how so much is happening at once. i'm hope-filled.
yet, to be honest, i'm also completely exhausted.
i've been a chaser of control.
life happens and we can't stop it. and even if we could, would we really want to? because, isn't this the stuff life is made of? actual living?
i'm intensely excited about corners i can't see around. almost insanely so.
risk is something i feel is breathing down my neck. and really, it's faith nudging me. prompting me to walk when the water is just underneath my feet -- so close i can feel it next to my skin. to live a life of actively trusting Him.
my toes are wet. i've experienced His glory. and it's confusing and so incredibly overwhelming.
what do i do with this?, i ask. now what?!
grace brings all things together and makes it known that He is still in the miracle business.
i am reminded that i worship the same God that Moses did. and Abraham. Sarah. And David.
He invites me to bring to Him all the things i hold too closely -- my Isaac's.
so i search my heart . . .
my son . . . my groom . . . my vision of a perfect marriage . . . my job . . . my very life . . .
. . . a second child . . . adoption . . . the book . . . attention . . . my desire to be noticed . . .
i've been asked to consider surrendering every thing. -- as in, Every. Thing.
as in, put my entire heart on the line and my doubt of how
i've been asked to surrender all that has come from hard work -- the flat belly and the ripped shoulders and back, and the eight-pack abs -- the epitome of pride.
i'm being asked to surrender my longing for perfect patience and perfect gentleness and not burned dinners -- all the things i expect of myself that are too big and completely unfair.
for a lot of my life i lived under the illusion that i needed to live like a superhero.
eventually i learned that though i am capable of a lot, i am usually not asked to do as much as i think is expected of me. He calls me to simple and that has become the most difficult -- it seems so weak and an inefficient, wasted use of time.
a doctor once spoke these words to me: "today isn't a day to be superwoman." those words seared in me as i squirmed and cringed to avoid the truth that i was in pain, as he scoured my uterus for what remained of a placenta from the little girl i never got to know, though who He knew. God used that moment to allow me the feeling of pain, yet my *self* was in the way to feel it.
my pride said i don't need Him to heal because there's nothing there that needs healing. and of course, the truth was i needed Him more than ever.
when we trust Him anyway . . .
even though we don't have it all together
and even though everything is happening altogether . . .
we are living by faith and we are actively living out worship.
life *whirls and twirls* around us and still, we do it anyway. we live -- honestly. real. -- just the way we were created to be, even with our doubt and fear and confusion and overwhelming sense of not being enough. He tells me again and again: This. Is. Worship.
when we dig deep and search our heart for what bits of self remain and choose to call them out -- own the self-righteousness, the pride, the controlling self that tries to position ourselves as god . . .
when we cry out in the night with sheer agony that this is just so hard . . .
when we dare to tell the story of darkness, even though we've yet to see the beauty . . .
He honors our heart . . .
and therein lies the miracle . . . and we begin to See Him for Real.
and in the seeing, we learn to release one more finger from our gripped-tight hand . . .
and we begin to trust a little bit more that we are, truly, enough.
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