Friday, June 14, 2013

all in

this is the one where i am going to step off the diving board.

though i don't have the technical experience to perfect this and i'll likely belly flop, i'm going to step forward anyway. i'll give you a nod and maybe even a slight wink, and then i'll take a step. right now.

the considering and deliberating is the scary part.

the water isn't the color i thought it'd be and the season seems a little off to me. alas, i've heard the call and i've decided not to turn back.

we'll do this thing -- whatever that might end up being i am not 100% certain -- and i'm going to just trust.

someone deemed me worthy of the life we share together. i recognize how very important our story is and i've decided not to question.

this is today's decision. i recognize that tomorrow might feel very differently and i might be torn to consider doubting again. i will wrestle confusion to the ground again -- it's inevitable -- and we'll go round and round until i get tired of myself.

we might look at each other and feel the tendency to blame one another when the chaos seems like taking this step was a stupid thing to even consider. i realize the risk in that and today i'm okay with it. because, i am embracing our humanness -- our sloppy, messy, hypocrite-like tendencies that tend to act out emotion rather than identifying, examining and discussing it.

i'm in. all in.

this step i'm taking is a surrender -- a releasing of control. an acknowledging that i don't know what is right or best or even what i want. i'm embracing the 180-like shift in our almost plans.

it feels a bit risky to dive without knowing how deep the water is, and to step without knowing what is coming next . . . but my amount of faith mixed with your amount of faith will be enough. we already are enough. and truthfully, we didn't need the faith -- He already made us enough.

so, let's embrace our enough-ness and lay low our fears and together take this step.

: : : 

to my groom,

i've acted like a child who was too impatient to wait for her father to give her what she wanted most -- who, resentful of the waiting crossed her arms and pouted, and then when the gift was handed to her spouted: "but i don't want it any more!" -- because, it was so hard to surrender into the waiting, and i'm so scared of false starts and empty gifts. 

i realize i have huge trust issues with God and a tremendous weakness in my ability to live out hope and faith, and i'm realizing that my surrendering became prideful -- a "look, i surrendered!" attitude that says, "don't make me do it again! because, i had this other vision i was asked to yield to and so i did, and now, this -- a 180 shift, again!"

and here i am, fearing that my thinking out loud here with you might be sloppy and confusing and just too much . . . that you won't get me and i'll just make a mess. 

these lower case letters are a reflection of my small, shaky voice that struggles to believe i am enough. that we are enough. that we will be given enough.

so this piece is my: "okay, i'll surrender the vision to try for one of our own" -- and again, a yielding, perhaps now to the true desires of my heart.

i'm surrendering -- giving up the control and the fight and to just see what He wills. i'm taking this step. 

i love you. more than words or my life can ever reflect. 


Share your heart . . . add a comment below.



  1. Amy,
    The vulnerability in this post is palpable and real and alive and wonderful. You have truly walked into the arena, my friend, and I am stilled by your ability to drown out the voices that dare to distract you and, instead, focus on the voice that is calling your name.
    I am hushed by this post, Amy, and the only way to respond is by opening my own heart and soul to the giver of dreams and the lover of my soul.
    Drenching you in prayer, friend, for the ways that you have exposed your soul and opened your arms to life.
    Grace, a thousandfold, on your head today and always.

    1. Amen.

      It's been a hard journey and all Him -- completely and utterly all Him. That He would be evident in my life is what makes it all worth it. I'm blessed beyond measure to have you here with me, friend.

  2. Amy,
    I am screaming "yes, yes, YES!" at the screen. I swear you stole "my surrendering became prideful -- a "look, i surrendered!" attitude that says, "don't make me do it again!" and I'm using it, and giving God and you all the Glory and attribution. Beautiful, sweet sister, beautiful. I've been saying "this is my worship" to so many things since lunch Tuesday....I get it.
    Dive in, and know that you are falling into the arms of your beloved and straight into Grace.
    It is already alright.
    Keep chasing Grace and Peace.
    Hugs and love,

    1. All of our life is worship. So much more than we let ourselves consider. Hugs, friend. So blessed to have our paths weave.

  3. the two previous commenters used up all the good words.

    all that's left to add is my humble "amen."

    beautiful, Amy.

  4. God has this. He has YOU. Your surrender is fierce worship in the face of the trembling unknown. I am praying you right on through... God is FOR you. I love you.

    1. Whatever it may be, yes! So appreciative for your prayers. More than words.