on being ready

The other day I wrote about Whimsy.

And as I wrote it I thought about different perspectives. I questioned whether I should write what I did. Because it was partly about consuming and not being practical.

I thought about people who don't even have a car, or maybe theirs is so broken down. Or maybe they are finding themselves standing in a line for food stamps, and their pride being naked. I started to feel badly for my wanting to go on vacation next spring and rent a house on an island on the southeast coast with a handful of friends and their families.

And then I wondered if I was feeling badly only because I should or if I really did feel badly.

Then I got a few highlights in my hair when I got a trim. A choice I said I'd never make. And $70 later I felt sick to my stomach. Because, I wasted. I truly did.

There are people in this world who don't have clean water to drink. It's true, and not just something that is made up to sound like a remarkable story. Contrary to my once naive perspective, clean water isn't everywhere. There are people in our surrounding areas who don't know where they will get their next meal. And there are children who don't have a mom or dad to tuck them in at night or talk with them about life's questions.

Real people are hurting. And I spent all of that money on changing the color of a few strands of my hair?! If I go on that vacation, what then? I'll just want More and never be satisfied.

Disappointment always resides with desire when we make the plans, 
     because our plans will never be perfect.

I don't feel guilty for buying a MINI. I realize it's a gift. And the moment I forget that is when I should feel bad. I'm not proposing everyone's whimsy is to go buy their dream car. It was okay for me and I've felt peace about it.

But awakening the other day after having a long talk with our neighbor-friend about his recent trip to that dream island, I suddenly lost interest in spending my money that way. And it's how God showed up most poignantly in my day.

He is changing me. 

I spent most of the summer complaining that we didn't have plans to go away. We had one weekend get-away and it was when I was sick. I didn't want that trip to count. Beaches and light houses were in my *hopeful* vision. But it just never happened.

Instead, I sat in a quiet forest of trees feverish and fatigued, and I don't think I'll ever forget it. My family cared and together we were, and that's all that matters.

Eventually, I chose gratefulness for that one trip and even my four-week-long bout of sickness.

Because, if it were up to me I'd consume. Even heaps of memories instead of a few big meaningful ones.

The week's when I was sick in the middle of summer were ones where He slowed me. It was the time when my heart was being prepared for something different. My plans were being shredded and I was being readied to accept His.

I'm considering what it means to be ready for whatever He invites me to do.

Awhile back I surrendered birthing another child and even having another one altogether. This is my Anything, as I pray "Whatever you have planned for me, Lord..." I pray this over and over again because sometimes I pick up my plans instead of resting in His. Only He knows if I will ever have another child and whether we'll adopt or have another of our own. For now, I surrender to any. thing. 

I'm seeing life as invitations. And choosing Less is one of them. A simpler life.

My son has an interest in travel and culture. And I wonder what that means. I don't feel compelled to travel for the sake of crossing it off my bucket list as I once did. But I wonder if we'll be traveling to help others and who those *others* will be.

I have to be careful not to chagrin other people's choices when my perspective gets altered. And not even myself when my perspective seems too over-the-top.

He leads us all in different ways and we each have a unique story to live.

I want my desires to be His. 

Sometimes I get nervous that I'll miss out when I don't actively pursue my dreams all the time. But, I choose to trust that He leads me to choose whimsy at the moments that are right for my story, when my living is indeed by His leading and not by my planning.

Evidence of Him. That's what all of this is about. And it's incredibly remarkable.

Thank you, Father, for the ways you are drawing me closer to your heart.

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{Grace} Unwrapped...

...a different kind of summer...

...how two weeks at home quieted me to listen...

...the way He's readying me...

...and how I don't need to know for what...

...the Peace He gives me...

...and how I am leaning into it more...

...the ways I am more able to trust Him...

...and how I see Him...

...the way my heart bubbles with joy...

...and most of all, gratitude for every part of my story...

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