Monday, November 7, 2011

living gratefully :: imperfect

Our neighbors tell us that the Boy-Man is a delight to watch.

They see his joy. His exuberance for life--how he bounds on the school bus each day, and even off it coming home.

They tell us that we're the ideal parents. And I cringe.

I worry. 

Do they consider the *issues*?

That he speaks back to us at home, and not out in other spaces, is good. Healthy.

I tell myself that the Boy needs space to be free

He needs to feel safe at home. To feel the weight of his emotions.

And this is truth.

Still, though, he holds back and I know it.

We keep his schedule free-flowing and not tight to the brim. Building in time to breathe and rest is important.

But what about when you don't allow for time to talk?

What about when you've structured the moments just so that he keeps to himself and hardly says how he feels, let alone even think.

The sleep walking and active mind, even when it's dark, I think about that.

And I wonder--could his mind not be turning off? 
Could he not be really resting, emotionally?
Is he re-playing his day?

Is that why he wakes up and is so talkative about the previous day when we gather 'round the breakfast table?

I worry that he'll have issues.
And I know that he will.
I tell myself that it is important that he does.

God will allow whatever it takes for the Boy to know Him. 

And I remind myself that we'll never parent perfectly.

I comment out loud to our neighbors that I hope they aren't expecting too much of us.

I ask our dear neighbor-friends if they will let us know if they sense something awry about the Boy, and even invite him in to talk with them, if they want.

Because, it takes a village. And I believe it.

My heart knows the Boy will have issues.

And I know that some of them will be from our failed parenting.

We might hold too tight.
We might not allow him time to talk.
We might tell him what to do too much,
and he might not know how to think for himself.

All I can do is Let. Go. 

Trust. Hope. Cling to Truth. 

My Father has *this*.
He knows what the Boy needs.

I am grateful for the Truth. And, trusting in this is my worship. 

Gratitude for {Grace}...

...a mature conversation with the Boy about how he thinks I'm mean... response that I'm being responsible in my parenting...

...explaining to the Boy that lying is not good character...

...telling the Boy that his life is a story and he is the main character...

...talking about the value of good character...

...sharing with the Boy what people tell me about him: he's a gentleman...

...breakfast laid out the next day by the Boy-Man, all proud-like of himself... it leads me to pray that he isn't trying to be good...

...and how I pray the Boy will See and know His love for him... the breakfast-time provides him time to talk, and us to listen... the doggie-momma comforts him when he's sad... she tolerates him {often like me}--she accepts him touching her...

...our neighbors' affirmation of our parenting, though it aches...

...and that we were together to hear their truth-telling... that truth-telling fills us up and brings us to our knees...

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  1. Such a good reminder. We will never be perfect parents, but He always will be so we can keep praying that our children will know Him. Thank you for writing your heart today.
    Visiting from Ann's...I seem to post near you often and it brings me here to visit :)

  2. Amy~i can feel the ache in this, and your mama fears are a territory I wander in myself. But how true is it that we can rest in His goodness, knowing that He has these precious children in his care, He is the perfect parent, and he covers us with grace ...

  3. Amy,Thanks for your honesty...I think what our children want is just for us to be real and honest with them...not perfect...I think kids can deal with imperfections...not plastic parenting. Amy you seem like a very authentic person...honest with yourself...God and your boy-man...God will take care of the rest...
    Blessings as you navigate these interesting years...

  4. Talking about the value of good character. What a precious gift you are giving your child by teaching that. What a good mama you are!