Friday, May 30, 2014
I have learned something that I hope really has transformed my whole way of being, and that is that I am incapable of creating the very things that I so desperately want. There is nothing that I can do to make certain things happen. I cannot forgive enough for a relationship to exist in the way I think it was designed to be. I cannot restrict myself perfectly enough or long enough to not struggle with me. There is nothing I can do to make myself understood, to not be misinterpreted or mistaken. I cannot ever be good enough in the way of living up to what the Bible and preachers and humans say I should be. I cannot fix or free or forgive enough and do exactly what Jesus would do. There's nothing I can do to earn, understand or to receive love more fully and completely. I simply cannot make the things that are intended to be sifted and sorted and sculpted. Even waiting patiently, being willing for anything, and surrender are places God readies my spirit for and there's nothing I can do.