Monday, February 10, 2014

on learning to patiently wait

i've been picturing myself sitting on a bench with my jacket and boots on and my bags packed right next to me, waiting for the bus to come around the corner to pick me up.

God's got big plans for me and i'm going to be ready, so i've been waiting and i don't want to move from this spot.

i haven't wanted to be bothered for anything -- not to do work or chores around the house, not anything. i've been focused and ready. i'm stomach-flutter anxious like anyone, but i've done my homework to know my strengths, and i how to pick out my seat on the bus.

i've got these big, mountain-size dreams and i just need the bus to come and take me there. 

but i've got this life now, as it is.

and i'm learning that my choice to live this, right now, is my offering each day.

i haven't done this particularly well. i've sat and moped because the bus hasn't come yet and i've wondered if maybe i've missed it. i've seen other people get on and be all happyclappy with singsong and cheer that they've got a ride as i feel stuck here waiting for mine. i've wondered why we aren't on the same one and why i have to wait here doing this job when i ache for another of a different kind. 

i have so much hope in my bag that it's about to burst at the seams, yet i sometimes feel trite and foolish and not practical enough. i'm not a fan of reality though i'm learning to be real, and that just seems so silly to say. 

i don't so much like to stay in the box of how things should be and for rules to be the reasons why we don't pursue or try things. i push and question a lot, and it irritates me when people make excuses not to try new things -- like waiting for the right time to have kids and how that time never comes, or saying we're too busy to pursue a dream and how we'll never not be busy.

i know the slew of excuses that keep people held back and i don't want to be one of them, so my bags are packed and i'm ready to go. 

i don't have time in my day as it is to pursue the crazy launch of a magazine, or write a book, or go to conferences, or even lap up every last drop of all the wonderful blog posts my dear friends write.

yet . . .

i've got dreams on my heart made specifically for me and i want to be ready to take my seat when the bus comes. so i've been sitting here on this bench with my bags all packed.

but . . .

there's an office for me with a job to do and a house to maintain and a boy-man to raise.

and . . .

i need to trust that the right bus will make itself known when it gets here for me.

i know that delayed obedience is disobedience and i know that exhaustion and frustration is the consequence doing more than i need to do right now. i know this well because this is what happens when i live with more focus on tomorrow than on today.

when i'm brave to accept this moment, i find myself with more energy than if i just sit and wait in one place. so i have to trust that i won't miss out if he asks me to make pancakes today, or linger longer to hear another story, or give him another hug. 

even though i'm restless, i need to live by faith and be patient in today. 

just because i have these dream doesn't make me exempt from now. i have to trust this, right now will prepare me for that, whatever and whenever it is.  

when i live as though this is not meaningless, i actually give fuel for the dreams.

so i'm going to trust that i'll be sustained for the journey, 
     and, i'll be sustained for today. 

and i'll remember that today matters just as much as tomorrow and do this one before me, as it is.

this is my worship.

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