Thursday, January 23, 2014

when Holy feels a bit crazy

It was almost overwhelming, the awareness of her potential fear.

There are crazy people out there and to be wondered if I was one of them was almost enough to make me say: never mind, it’s okay. Thoughts of what she might think of me niggled at me.

I wanted her to trust that I wasn’t one of them, yet there was nothing I could do but to hope and to wait.

Several times I had felt the prompting to reach out to this woman who I didn't know and ask her to meet me for lunch. The prompt to do so felt as natural as the feeling of knowing I need to brush my own teeth. This was simply something I felt was a must do.

She didn’t respond after several silly-feelings attempts, and I started to think that maybe I was a bit loony until she finally said okay, in what felt whispered so thin. I don’t know what kind of thoughts she might have battled or fought, or what her life was like and how she might have been distraught. (Or, maybe she was just busy and it had nothing to do with any of that.)

The patience her quiet required of me – how I had no choice but to wait – was a test of my faith in every way.

I didn’t know why we were meeting and the urge to know gripped my throat tight. I was embarrassed for not having a plan or a purpose and for the silly I felt that I seemed.

Still, I knew in my gut there was purpose; I had to proceed. 

So when from the moment I saw her my stories started spiraling out, in not a trickle but a full out gush and I was tempted to put a cork on my mouth, there was no stopping the dam that had broke and the flood that ensued. She needed to know the things I had to say that day, yet I need not know why. And I needed to deliver them right in that way.

Though the words that I shared were easy to spill, I felt a bit of awkwardness as I became aware of the stranger seated close, his table so close to ours.

I teeter-tottered in my confidence as my tongue oared through, intently focused on where I knew where it needed to go -- straight past the weather and right to the heart and the soul of my story.

She was sweet and generous with her time and her heart and I had hoped she would get me and my ridiculous-seeming urge to meet. In a small, slight way, I could see that she was uncertain and that courage was hard for her that day. 

I didn’t want to pry in too deep, yet I had a deep sense there was something she needed to hear that day.

I noticed the pace that she ate, just as quickly as my words ticked off . . . so click-clack-quick. I wasn’t sure just what she needed to know, though I knew all of what I had to say would be necessary that day.

Yet, still, I worried deep within of why I was there that day.

     Why her?
     Why now?
     Why this?
     What for?

And then, it was as though the awkwardness finally slipped free.

Our fear and our worry found rest, and I could see how He was there. The moment was hushed. It was Holy. And for a brief moment I could see, even as my eyes filled with water.

I still know not why or for what purpose, though I still feel peace; especially in letting the trying-to-figure-it-out to loose.

I couldn’t
not be me, I told her. And I felt free.

this was my worship.

Linking with Jennifer today.



  1. I love this - love how you just couldn't help but be you, which is the you God created. I love that you were willing to step out, reach out. Sometimes we just have to be (crazy) willing and trust that He will do the rest, maybe never knowing (at least this side of Heaven) why or what a difference it has made...

    1. Yes, Mindy. I appreciate that you *get it*. Willing without knowing why . . . and for me, loosening my grip on needing to know and even wanting to know why.

      (Thanks for choosing to comment. You blessed me so much.)

  2. I love these words- and the description of how the Holy Spirit led you. So often I think we ignore these prompting a and miss such blessings.

    1. Yes, Amy. To think of what we would miss if we ignored. Responding to those promptings is something I'm more and more learning to do and being blessed so much as a result.

  3. Yeah. Total worship. Thanks Amy. Grateful for your words in community. xo