I ache to be whole.
As if there is an expectation that I should be more than and even sometimes less than, I long to feel less disjointed and more put together. As though I have broken parts or too many parts.
It feels naked-like to be this way -- messy and just not as I'm supposed to be. Pieces of me are in places where I think they don't belong.
But, according to who am I not right the way I should be?
Whoever said I am not perfect?
Because, I am right the way I was created to be, truly . . .
the perfect mother for my son.
the perfect wife for my husband.
the perfect employee for the position.
the perfect friend for the situation.
Chosen for these stories. Casted before there was ever an audition. Showing up messy, stuttering, or not knowing my lines to my parts, or the moves to my roles doesn't disqualify me for the parts. Every day isn't an audition, it's simply a rehearsal.
Perfection isn't what we think it is.
We chase after getting everything just the way we think it should be, and we spend all our energy trying to live up to expectations we imagine of others or ourselves. This is what we define perfection to be when really, it's not about this at all.
Perfection is when something is whole. Full. To be all of itself.
When we bring our whole selves to the story, there is nourishment for our soul.
When we don't hold back on who we are and we are wholly us, His glory is.
All I mostly ever do is hide. Cower in a cave. Cover my face out of shame -- for being me, so less than I think I should be.
Nearly everyday I remark about the awesomeness of the sky. I watch the sun rise and set and get giddy over the radiant strokes of beauty as I consider His power and majesty. I reserve awesome for the big stuff. Lately, He has been speaking to me that I am, too.
Shame tells me that I can't be awesome. I make mistakes. I flub it up. I . . . I . . . I . . .
Again and again He tells me that I am Awesome. Just as I am.
My mistakes don't make me less than.
He uses every single choice I make as a way to draw me to Him.
Free to choose, He backs me up with a covering -- a hedge of protection. He fills the gap between my selfish ambition and His glory be. He cleans up my messes before they really become messes. There is no true failure.
Grace is a gift, not something to be earned.
And I can never make the gift stop coming.
I usually want to run away when it gets hard. Give up on trying. Because the journey is painful most of the time and I get tired, weary of the hurting. I get discouraged that happy isn't something I feel or see more often. Yet, I am so blissfully unaware of true pain because there is joy down deep. I see the goodness in the pain, how it brings me to Him.
I notice the strength that surfaces when I didn't imagine I'd have any.
I notice the peace that comes when fear was so hot and heavy.
I notice the beauty rise up out of really ugly situations and experiences.
I notice the Creator of all and wonder how anyone could ever really question His existence.
When I bring my whole self into my story, I am giving back what is truly His in the first place.
This is my tithe, what He deserves: when I just Be.
When I am fully me and don't hold back bits and pieces of me out of shame for being less than, I reflect trust in Him -- that He really does know what He's doing and that he really does purpose whoever and everything.
My trust can't be reflected until I take the step to just be.
I first need to step -- I first need to Be.
The ache in me to be whole is my unsettled soul as it's held back. It will always remain inside of me until I just let me be Me. Wholly and fully Me -- perfectly Me.
He doesn't want my offering until I first give Him what He deserves, my Self as my tithe.
Until I give Him my tithe can I really give Him my offering -- my trust for Anything -- especially my control and my need to be my own savior. And all this is a blessing turned back around for me, a gift of His design.
When I step out of the cave I've nestled myself into, and tried to slumber deep within to numb the pain of life away -- when I stand wholly Me -- there His glory be. I don't have to bring anything else or be any other way, He just is when I am as I am.
Whoever lives has an ache to be awesome. And we are this when we are wholly ourselves, not shirking back out of fear or shame.
So . . . Be.
You already are Awesome . . . so just Be.
And let your living be your true worship.