Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Why I can't seem to commit to anything

It wakes me in the way-too-early break of day--the thought of whether it's because of Fear that I can't seem to commit to anything.

Friends ask me if I'm going to certain places in the new year.
Marketing tries to convince me that I should register for this and that.

Wonderment over whether those are for me--and for now--keep my schedule open.

There's reason He keeps me non-committal to them.

Getting out of bed and facing the questions, I find Peace.

There's reasons I haven't committed. And it's for purpose.

My life is different. Managing a professional career, one in which I often travel overnight and leave my family, I make very few choices to be apart from them on a weekend. In fact, I don't recall that I ever have.

My writing isn't related to my work. And so, sacrifice would be required more than I feel should right now, at least.

And though advice comes my way that I deserve the time for me, I can't help but feel a painful rubbing with each well meaning word.

Personal convictions keep me home.

Sometimes guilt, but mostly convictions in my commitment to two very important people, and myself.

So, for now I'm busy with this career and this family. Conferences are reserved for mandatory work purposes. Yes's are given to others sparingly.

Time continues to be delicately and deliberately divided. 


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