Monday, October 3, 2011

why I said yes

Several times He gives me this invitation while I'm out on morning runs.

Out of {seemingly} no where, I feel this tug and my eyes slowly begin to open. 

I begin to See the beauty in His creation. I listen to the birds in my backyard and I actually notice the companionship that really might be found within four-legged creatures.

I begin to feel the slightest opening in my heart. And without noticing it, suddenly I felt the change.

I could imagine his gentle hands massaging my life giving organ. Soon, I was on the road to healing and learning to fully love, freely.

Growing up I couldn't imagine what love really was without conditions.
I always felt the urge to prove myself and show off my hard work paid off.
In return, I'd receive praise and encouragement.
If I hadn't done something, there wasn't much to be said.

As a little girl, I spent a lot of my days hidden away in my bedroom, wondering if anyone would come in and sit with me awhile.

That's how it seemed at least.

Aging, I immersed myself into work and proved my abilities to be outstanding. I knew I was capable of much and so I made sure I was known as responsible, diligent, trustworthy. Complacent workers were scorned by my parents each night at the dinner table and so I learned the value in working hard.

It took roughly the first eight years of my marriage and the first four years of my son's life for me to live {at least a little bit} free.

I began to accept that there are different gears in a car for a reason, and I applied that to my life.

I began to find a different pace to living and my focus changed from proving myself to being *comfortable* with myself.

I began to choose gratefulness for my boss wanting me for who I was now, versus thinking he wanted me for who I saw in my minds eye I could become--my potential.

I began to realize that even though I could, doesn't mean that I should.

I began to realize that sometimes usually we aren't asked to perform to our fullest abilities; life isn't a crisis to be managed.

I began to trust that there is purpose in how I am now; there's goodness in my weakness.

I began to start each day with an intentional openness to God's blessings without wrapping my mind around a specific list of self-improvements or how I need to grow.

I began to trust that God Knows, and if there are changes in me He wants to make, He'll lead me toward His vision.

And soon, my laser focus on my *potential* began to burn out.

I still struggle to believe that each day's purpose isn't to be better. But, I am learning to live

It's still hard not to trip myself up. And usually when I do, it's because of *Fear* that stands in the crevices of my bones, making herself noticed like the ache of arthritis as the air gets thick with pressure just before a big, nasty thunderstorm.

Fear tells me I might miss out...
or I might be too much...

or I'll fail...
or I'm just not good enough...
or that I'm just too good

I'm still discovering those arthritic fears--what they're all about and what they mean for me; what it is that makes my bones ache.

I'm still discovering that my best, even though it's not *the best,* is still good enough.

I'm still discovering that I am accepted as I am.

Sometimes I stink and it's most when I wallow in my imperfections, a putrid stench even worse than after my hardest workouts.

The invitation He gave me to embrace four legs of Different and to choose Love for His creation, is a beautiful one and it comes with risk of failing when I do it on my own.

But, when I respond to the invitation as a guest and not as a hostess, I begin to understand that I needn't do the planning of *How* I'll love, but rather pull up a seat and just savor the moment of togetherness with my Host.

And so, I said yes. 

This is my standing up and trusting Him as I prepare to walk on the waters of my faith in His strength.

A momma-canine is my Divine appointment to Love. And what I taste {so far}, is delectable. Sweet. Beautiful.

This love accepts me. She doesn't know that I fail. She doesn't know that I shake with fear just like she does.

Together, we love. She nuzzles her head into me and without words she asks me to love. Her eyes speak of her feelings and I understand.

I sense purpose in the invitation, and it's Courage to *See* and surrender my fears at His feet to help me live free. 

Thank you, Father, that you know my fears more than I do. You want to root them out and heal me from the inside out, and you are using the sweetest touches of your living presence to bring me closer with you...
Moment. By. Moment.


Gratitude for {Grace}...

...the way Gucci-Momma looks at me for affirmation... the Boy-Man is learning about loving Different...

...the moment my groom pulled out the camera to capture joy...

...feeling needed as our new love adjusts to our home...

...sharing the breaking of dawn...

...the Boy-Man's notice of the pup's smile...

...doggie kisses... she loves and tolerates the Boy's unpredictable noises... love overlooks dirty, wet, stinky, hairy features...

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  1. Oh I love this list of grace! isn't this learning to say yes, and to live free from fear something?! I love how you put this,

    "But, when I respond to the invitation as a guest and not as a hostess, I begin to understand that I needn't do the planning of *How* I'll love, but rather pull up a seat and just savor the moment of togetherness with my Host."

    I am also walking this journey right now. learning to let Him minister to me, and to just savor the moments with Him...
    This was beautiful and so encouraging to me, we walk similar paths, friend, miles apart, but bound together through Him. Bless you, Amy.

  2. Wow. Love the grace in this post. One quote sticks out particularly for me:

    "I began to realize that sometimes usually we aren't asked to perform to our fullest abilities; life isn't a crisis to be managed."

    That's been my problem lately. Everything has seemed to be a crisis. And in my line of work as a nurse, it's hard to not get caught up in what is a crisis and what isn't and not respond with harsh words when what I think doesn't coincide with the person's opinion on the other end of the phone.

    So, an acute bout of illness in a child has proven to be a day of rest for this momma from her usual duties.

    And pursuing edifying reading--like this post. So glad I clicked on your link.

  3. Hey Amy...first, thanks for taking the time to "get to Know me" today...I have been poking around here as well....I love how you said..."I was looking for manuel of should...and found Immanuel instead." Love that...
    I can so relate to your post today...I am learning say receive the grace He gives...His Love and acceptance of who I am...such a journey...
    We are traveling together friend...blessings~