I blurt it out without thinking.
Standing there with my mother and my aunt, the words just fly out of my mouth. Such truth.
I don't want to do what I committed to doing.
My aunt very quickly responds, "So Don't." She asks who is making me and why I need to follow obligation around. She points out that the world beats us up, and we're hardest on ourselves.
I cringe as my mother stands there with her back turned and says I can't back out now. I take her words with such weight, and yet if I told her the pain I feel I'm sure she wouldn't even want me to this under so much pressure.
I admit I'm doing it for the wrong reasons, and yet still I feel like I can't back out.
Just yesterday I swam for God. I talked with Him and asked for His strength. I confessed to Him that I had chosen to do this without His guidance and without asking for Him to lead me. I did it for the sake of family, and I don't want to disappoint them. Before I swam I asked God to relieve my fears and for His glory to shine in the breaking of them. And my swim went much better. I felt my breaths and appreciated its cadence. It was easier.
Yet, still I am uncertain what I'll do and I wonder now if the decision has been made for me in the blurting out of my thoughts. I wish now that I hadn't said what I said, and I feel shame.
But, there's a part of me that is thankful for the blurting. And I wonder if maybe God made my spirit speak for me.
The first thing I thought of as I got in my car and drove home this afternoon after the blurting-out-episode, is that I had been crying all along - crying to be noticed and to have someone relieve me. All along I've whined that I can't do it and sighed that I'll likely die in the pool. In my car today I wondered - didn't anyone notice my cries for help?
When no one else notices, or no one else knows whether to step in, Grace does. In His miraculous ways He steps in for us when we're too weak to even stand up. He invites us to live our own life. He wants us to freely live our uniquely created selves.
I'm still not sure what I'll do about that event. But I know that I serve One God and He truly knows what's best for me.
His Grace rescues and delivers me from myself most of all.
Thank you, Father, that your Spirit *lives* inside me and speaks with me, and guides me in so many ways!