Six days ago I last wrote. Six days. It seems like forever ago in so many ways. And yet, I almost made it even l o n g e r. Because, sitting down and sharing just seems so hard.
I almost closed my blogger account and tried to cease to exist.
I've decided that people who call me their friend don't really care about me, and so I chose to delete them as my [facebook] friends. I think it's that easy to remove myself from people's lives.
I don't want to go home today. And I almost want to cancel my scheduled vacation day tomorrow, and next week.
Everything I thought I believed has become tangled up with confusion.
I doubt Every. Thing.
I've hurt my throat with screams at my husband. I've not liked him.
For two days I was away from our house, traveling for work. I couldn't wait to see my son. And then he heard me yell and saw me act like a two-year-old pitching the biggest fit ever, and I miss him more now than I did for those two days. He seems so much further away now.
And my husband...well...I'll be fortunate if he's still living at our home when I get there at the end of today. I was supposed to have a work-from-home-day today, and I couldn't leave home fast enough to retreat to work.
It's one of those days. I'm sure most everyone has 'em. But, knowing that doesn't make me feel any better.
Still, though...I write. And I breathe. And I believe.
Even in spite of my unbelief, I can't help believing.
And I can't help living. And I can't help writing.
I breathe in air, deeply and fully.
I have hope, even when it doesn't seem to make any sense. And I think of all those who say they deny Him, and I think of the exhaustion of fighting the faith.
It is truly exhausting to keep up the fight. Instead, I find myself surrendering today. I put down my gloves and weep.
Tell me about a time you were rescued from your own fight...