The boy-man is talking about needs and wants at school. We often decipher them at home, learning together about *good choices* for each of us.
It's a good choice and a need for me: sustenance.
When the thought comes to mind, it isn't the first definition listed in Webster's Dictionary that I think of, and yet it's the one I need the most.
It's what makes me collapse under His Hand and surrender my will.
sus-tain, v.t. 1. to bear the weight of; support. 2. to undergo (injury, loss, etc.) without giving way; endure. 3. to keep (a person, the spirits, etc.) from giving way. 4. to keep up or keep going; maintain. 5. to supply with the necessities of life, as food. 6. to uphold as valid, just, or correct. 7. to confirm or corroborate.
I need the Grace and Love of Christ to bear the weight over me today - to support me.
Sustain me.
I'm not sure I can endure and I'm thinking I might give way. To sustain is something I cannot do on my own. It seems incredibly overwhelming.
It's the *state of being sustained* that I need most today.
I need someone else to sustain me. Someone else to supply the necessities of life. Someone else to uphold me. Someone else to confirm or corroborate the inklings of hope I have.
I'm weary.
I want to give up on living His will for me.
It's impossible to see what's coming down the pike. I can't see if it'll be worth it. I don't know if following Him and His will means that what's in my heart will happen. I've tried to let go of what's in my heart - prayed the desire and dream and hope would go away if it isn't His will. Still, the longing - the ache remains.
I worry...I could be hoping in the wrong thing. Because today it seems so far beyond even a remote possibility.
I'm weary of trusting.
Seeking His will is hard.
With hesitation I will do it anyway. I will trust. With fear of Him and the consequence of not following Him - of stepping outside of His will for me - I will keep on.
I will seek Him for strength and sustenance.
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Unwrapped *Gifts* of {Grace}...
...how *gentleness* comes from broken me...
...LEGGO creations on the fireplace hearth...
...how exercise really does make a difference...
...neighbors coming together in a snowstorm...
...a new friend commenting on my "beautiful" eyes, as if it were the first time she noticed...
...lying on the floor with the boy-man, soaking up the sunshine, and talking sweetness...
...a giggly child at bedtime...
...a table already set for dinner by the time I returned home...
...how the neighbor-dog seeming to know me and trust me...
...an ache for another child to love...a sibling for the boy-man to love...
...*seeing* how God uses what I write to encourage others, and bring them to Him...
...a daddy for the boy who cares and pays attention to the details...
...encouragement that "beautiful" {words} come from ugly {feeling} me...
...awareness of God's design for children to lead their parents toward saving and healing...
...Skype to talk with my "men" when I'm traveling...
...arriving home safely!...
...the possibilities a recent choice to invest in music holds...
...choosing to forgive the boy, even amidst anger...
I just loved how the honesty oozed out of your post today, along with your resolve to trust and go on trusting no matter what. And we don't "sustain" by ourselves, do we?!!! We take the yoke, learn of Him, and we find rest.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your list of gratitudes. Your words ARE beautiful, and they bless me deepely!