Nearly three weeks ago I wrote about the *
freedom to forgive* and the premise was about my father. Courageously, I chose to See that
forgiveness sets people free--the one being forgiven, and the one extending the forgiveness.
Since then,
pain in my heart has been awakened. Band-aids have been removed and scabs have been exposed. The wounds remain as hardened, blistered sores.
I've looked with envy at the relationships of others and longed for what I don't have with my own father. I've felt left out, lonely. Lies have surfaced telling me that all I do is make a mess of things, when really all I try to do is right things.
I've seen how my fears of making a mistake and of people being mad at me, they both are directly tied to my hurt--of always feeling like I make matters worse with my family, and how what I do makes them turn their backs on me and shut me out.
The way I've had a compulsion for order and control, it's because of what I've lived. And I know to not make excuses--to *own* my part--and I know I should live differently; live with more flexibility and get over those hurts.
But I can't.
The hurt remains.
I can't make myself heal.
I can't just decide to make myself change and expect it to happen.
I can't make myself trust in a different way of living, and never fall back into the tendency to fear and question.
Seeing this, I recognized something I never had the courage to admit.
I am not just plain jealous of others.
I. Am. Mad. At God--my Father.
I want to be like her. I want to live like he says I should. I want to be changed--forever. And I don't understand why I am not healed of all of this, yet.
For so many years I have known there is a better way of living, I've known what it is, and I've *decided* that I am going to make changes.
Folks say "just put your mind to it," and I've believed it. I've even surrendered to Him, leaned into trusting even this is *for purpose,* yet--the hurt remains.
Truth is, we can't sustain lie-living. It's a lie to masquerade as someone who I am not, and far too often I've lied mostly to myself. I can't just convince myself that I am healed. I can't just get over the pain in my heart.
I can't just say I forgive and expect change. It's a process--it's life lived.
People say I am too hard on myself. I hear that as I need to forgive my weaknesses.
So, I do. And yet, the pain is so deep; I don't have the tools to plunge it all out.
I've told my Father that I want to be healed...I long for reconciliation...I don't need apologies...and I've chosen to forgive.
So much goodness has come into my heart as a result of these choices.
Beauty has bloomed.
Walls in my heart have shattered--I've literally heard them crash.
Chains have unlocked and I've {begun} to live in Freedom.
I believe in surrender. I believe He is worthy of our trust.
But I also believe that He allows pain for purpose, we can't just decide to rid ourselves of it--He has to do the rest; He has to finish the story as He designed it.
I've tried to make the healing happen by my own, and I can't.
Beauty is seen more magnificently on the darkest of canvas. My understanding of this is in the most personal ways of my heart.
He stands-in where my imperfection lives.
He fills the gap--heals and makes whole.
And in the mean time, I trust that He uses all for purpose, including my pain and strangled relationships.
I am not sure I want to give my Father another day with my heart. And yet, He's the keeper of it.
When I am honest with Him that I am mad He hasn't done what I think He should have done in me by now, He looks at me with Grace. He lets me feel that way.
Thank you, Father, for all of this. I lean into Truth: All. Is. For. Purpose...even. this.
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Gratitude for {Grace}...
...the Boy-Man's tears over his Poppy being called into work...
...and the understanding that washes over him when *truth* is told: people are being helped by this sacrifice of time...
...neighbors sharing practically a *boat-load* of blueberries they spent time picking...
...strength for a long run...
...football season and something *fun* to talk about with my groom...
...a *free-ish* family vacation from points-saved during work travel...
...imagining loving a four-legged creature...
...a connection with
grace-lovers...
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