the war of doubt

I stand in the kitchen and tell him that it's scary to realize my life is bigger than I've made it.

Fear is admitted. And I am ashamed. Because, I told Him I was willing.

I told Him that I'd pursue His purposes.

So I chose to raise my hand and give of my time for something bigger than me.

I've connected with people I haven't yet met. And for Him I've made a difference.

When we live in our strengths zone, sacrifice sometimes comes easy. Our passions can tend to not take much effort. And it can feel like no big deal when we give.

Just because something isn't challenging for us doesn't mean that what we do has any less worth for someone else. 

This truth is a challenging one for me to believe.

I forget this about grace. That life isn't always hard. And giving isn't always a hard choosing.

Ever watched a superhero in action? It seems so effortless how they make a difference. Like breathing, so natural.

Sometimes when we're recognized for something, we can tend to dismiss our value and shirk the recognition. Or even the gifts that might come for our sacrifice of time.

I realized that it's time I take my hobbies more seriously. Truth speaks softly--that maybe what I am doing isn't really a hobby after all.

Maybe saying "yes" and pursuing a calling in the *whirl and twirl* is doing what we were created for, this nod to His will.

Our willingness is worship. 

I tell my groom that what I feared is what happened. The moment I spoke aloud that which I believe He has planned for me, doubt hovered over like a dark storm cloud.

I've thought about putting up a sign in this place to say that I'm all done. Washed up. Through.

Thoughts of packing up my writing and all my crazy, wild dreams have been my constant companions of late. It's felt like too much for this small life.

Yet, He continues to speak truth in me.

I'm not done. There is purpose here.

I envision that a footnote to my own sign would read "she's just afraid." And I confess, I am.

My own little world is more comfortable. Yet, it isn't.

I've known that there's more for me. I've sensed it. Just as I know there's more for you.

The moment we step out and choose trust in this truth, a battle rages.
   
     And the ability to keepin' on is what makes His story so remarkable.

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