Monday, April 9, 2012

a surrendering

It has been quieter around this space.

Though I would have preferred not to, stillness found its way to me.

Life has *whirled and twirled* and sort of elbowed my wants right out of the way.

The wants like writing. And reading.

Work has mostly been the competitor for my time. Though I know it's necessary that I focus there right now, in a more demanding sort of way, I'm still struggling with designating so much of my time there.

I never imagined it would happen to me.

A restructuring in the office, I seize new responsibilities with tremendous trepidation. Office dynamics and inefficiencies make me want to scream. I was created this way; to crave great work and productivity. Moving forward and for a cause is where my daily passion lies at work.

It's been the most trying time of my career so far.
And, perhaps the most meaningful.

When I'm not at the office, I'm trying to be fully home. I am trying to cut myself off from distractions that disconnect me from the two most important people (and dog) in my life.

I still awaken at 0-dark-hundred and put my own life first. I seize quiet and slowly invite in activity. Stretching and breathing are my priorities. Physical fitness--running, strength training--is my life line; it's what makes me a better mother. Wife. Person. I will not interrupt this sacred full two hours of me time for anything, except for when my body craves more rest.

This quiet space mixed with the desire to write has been necessary. I've had to learn that space is necessary, even from my own words.

Writing is my worship. It's a calling for me. I don't mull over my words much. I just write them. And if they don't feel quite right, I let them simmer for a bit.

And so, this time of stillness has been good in cultivating patience and trust in me. There have been times when I thought my writing had dried up and I would have nothing meaningful left to say.

I've come to realize that though I may not understand right now, this time has been so necessary.

It's part of the process of growing into more of who I was created to be.
It's a dying of self to live out of my comfort zone.

{Grace} Unwrapped... groom encouraging me to see the good in this job...

...the Hope for different. Someday... I am more *home* than I ever have been, even when I am away...

...knowing there is purpose in the stillness...

...a community there in the waiting... the Boy and I talk of going to France together...

...friends sharing with us their news...

...peace in the choices we make...

...the strength I've developed...


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1 comment:

  1. If writing is your worship, then write you must! Make time for it! We are all richer for it.