Wednesday, April 11, 2012

a choice

I could go against my groom and not take my birth control pill each day.

I could just see what happens.

I could change everything with one choice.

Still, though, He is more powerful.

I could not get pregnant.

I could conceive a child with special needs.

I could always regret disobeying.

Most days I wonder if we will have another child of our own. I think about how much easier it would be to have another one of our own.

And then I think of how much easier it is just to have our one.

We're used to this. And it's getting fun. We can do things. And go places. Our marriage is settling into parenthood and our intimacy is strengthening, seven years in.

The control part nags at me. How one tiny pill I take every day is expected to control the size of our family. I know it isn't as powerful as we think, though. And often I pray for its weakness and His strength to overpower it.

Yet, it just feels right that our family is the size it is right now. I trust in the purpose of our choice.

: : : 

Adoption has always been on my heart and many times on my lips.

I've spoken about it out loud when I really have no clear indication that it is for us. Still, I find myself drawn to people's stories of adoption.

I wonder if the sacrifice is for us, and yet I stand in awe over how preposterous the idea seems.

Because, it really does seem so crazy. Highly unlikely.

Yet, it doesn't. And it isn't.

So I wonder. And I ache.

I have thought about how maybe I should keep all this to myself--not speak about it until I know for sure.

But, this journey of life needs to be shared. I believe that's my call.

People comment to me about being authentic.

Truth is, I know no other way. This is Me. Truly.

I pour out my heart here in a place where it doesn't matter if anyone notices. It's my worship to write. And my worship to share.

At the beginning of this year, the word *Wonder* rose to my heart. I pulled it down off the shelf and marveled at its beauty. I thought of my hopes and dreams and about what tugs at my heart.

A choice presents itself yet again--
     Worship or not.
          Trust or not.
               Honor or not.

I will choose to Wonder.

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