Monday, October 31, 2011

when a choice helps you grow

The night before my wedding day I bawled my eyes out.

Lying on the floor, I just cried. And really I'm not sure why.

Most likely it was fear.

Perhaps I knew my role in moving our marriage plans ahead
     --rushing to grow up.

I was afraid that if we didn't get married then, that it wouldn't happen. Ever.

I couldn't patiently wait.

But, my heart knew that I stepped-in to force something to happen sooner than later. Fear grew when I realized that God wasn't intervening.

He was allowing this to happen, even if I didn't wait for it to play out at a slower pace.

When I got to the chapel I felt like I couldn't breathe.

My friend just smiled and told me I could do it. Breathe.

I asked if her if he was there.
She smiled and said he asked the same of me.

My dad walked me down the aisle and my hands trembled.
He touched them and tried to comfort me.
Still, though, I was shaken.

We said our vows and walked down the aisle as one. We both cried.

The next day I woke up and cried some more.

Wondering what I did and not yet realizing the impact of forever, I called my mom. And I called her again several times during the first decade of our marriage, until I learned not to.

Though I rushed ahead to get married, God blessed my hearts desire for companionship with my groom. 

Since I was in seventh grade I had a sense he'd make a good husband; he was already such a good person and good friend. I wanted him for my life partner and to see him as a father.

I didn't realize it when I was 12 or 21, but I think I wanted him to save me.

In the first seven years of our marriage so many of my days were filled with disappointment.

He didn't save me from my pains.
My wounds weren't healed.
Scars still remained.
And he was imperfect.
I'd tell him as such--several times, as if he needed to be reminded.

Yet, it was me who needed to hear it--he isn't perfect. 

I've often put him on a pedestal and found myself confused over my misplacement. He's been an idol who I resented and nearly walked away from; all because I have feared purpose in our together-life.

God allowed us to wed and share this life.

Some days I have to hunt down the joy and deliberately sift through my discontent to unwrap grace. Still, though, there really is purpose.

In our togetherness. In our disappointments. In our lack.

Love says:

You're more important than me right now. Though you're imperfect, and you fail to meet my needs, and you hurt me sometimes, I will choose to accept who you are right now, because your life has deep, meaningful purpose.

I don't always live my married life gratefully, though I am incredibly appreciative for our life.

I learn--sometimes way more than I want to.
I grow--sometimes more than I knew I needed to.

And most of all, I See Him more clearly. 

Thank you, Father, for the ways you have blessed my life through the marriage my groom and I share together. Even the challenging times--the times when it's been a hard-thanks--have been for purpose. 

{Grace} unwrapped... groom's words of liking me me just the way I am...

...and how he added more: "comfortable and put together..."

...and how my heart knows he meant "put together" as peaceful and free... the boy in the Boy-Man comes out when he's sick...

...and how my tending to him helps me See what He is doing in me...

...the {Hope} of a future unknown...

...and the courage to live today, even though I don't always like it...

...a true, good friend to share life with... my faith keeps my mom strong...

...and how she looks to my prayer when she cannot... own barometer of what's right and not, and trusting it...

...Seeing that life happens because of change...


  1. What a journey you have taken so far, Amy. I am always fascinated when we ask God to intervene, to stop the thing that is coming, and he chooses not to, always for our own good... I love your honesty here, it's hard to be so transparent, but you do it with grace... Blessings, sweet sister.... Keep counting!

  2. I love your honesty...I know what it is to look to my husband to be more than he could be...over the years...God has used my marriage to me the Love of Christ...and now into our 31st year...such freedom to love each other...
    Blessings as you keep hunting down the grace...

  3. I wonder how many women can relate to making our husband an idol? It can be so easy to think they are the ones who hold the key to happiness and rightness. And what a blessing to keep growing and sharing life together.

  4. " the boy in the Boy-Man comes out when he's sick..." love it! thanks for sharing:)

  5. I love your honesty here. So many times I look to my husband to fill the voids that only God can. I was create to crave intimacy, but I so often look for my husband to fill that place. I am thankful God has blessed your marriage. Loved your thankful list today.

  6. What a wonderful list of gratitude. God has blessed you and your husband in the perfects mates for each other. Thanks for sharing.