Thursday, April 14, 2011

an exhausted fight

Six days ago I last wrote.  Six days.  It seems like forever ago in so many ways.  And yet, I almost made it even l o n g e r.  Because, sitting down and sharing just seems so hard.

I almost closed my blogger account and tried to cease to exist.

I've decided that people who call me their friend don't really care about me, and so I chose to delete them as my [facebook] friends.  I think it's that easy to remove myself from people's lives.

I don't want to go home today.  And I almost want to cancel my scheduled vacation day tomorrow, and next week.

Everything I thought I believed has become tangled up with confusion.

I doubt Every. Thing.

I've hurt my throat with screams at my husband.  I've not liked him.

For two days I was away from our house, traveling for work.  I couldn't wait to see my son.  And then he heard me yell and saw me act like a two-year-old pitching the biggest fit ever, and I miss him more now than I did for those two days.  He seems so much further away now.

And my husband...well...I'll be fortunate if he's still living at our home when I get there at the end of today.  I was supposed to have a work-from-home-day today, and I couldn't leave home fast enough to retreat to work.

It's one of those days.  I'm sure most everyone has 'em.  But, knowing that doesn't make me feel any better.

Still, though...I write.  And I breathe.  And I believe.

Even in spite of my unbelief, I can't help believing.  

And I can't help living.  And I can't help writing.

I breathe in air, deeply and fully.

I have hope, even when it doesn't seem to make any sense.  And I think of all those who say they deny Him, and I think of the exhaustion of fighting the faith.

It is truly exhausting to keep up the fight.  Instead, I find myself surrendering today.  I put down my gloves and weep.

Tell me about a time you were rescued from your own fight...


  1. Learning to lay down your boxing glove with Jesus is a great place to be:)

  2. I'm so sorry for the hard days. Surrendering is hard most of the time. But Jesus wants to carry the load. I always need to be rescued from myself. I throw fits at random and yell at my kids and my husband. Some days I don't feel as if I deserve them. But then God comes in and floods me with His grace and I begin again.

  3. September 25, 2010. Saturday Morning. Woke up to a very strange feeling.
    JOY. HAPPINESS. LOVE. ENERGY. God gave me an overnight miracle after fighting against myself for 7 years. I kept trying anything and everything to cure my grand mal seizures, migraine headaches, and depression. I am especially stubborn. It took me seven years to release control of my health and turn it over to God. Seven weeks later, God reached down and pulled me from the pit of depression I was in. My own personal hell. I have read that in hell, you are separated from God. Even though I prayed I felt distant...until the morning of September 25th.
    If only I had fully understood sooner...One God, One Hope, One's that simple.

  4. You are a kindered spirit sweet girl! I came over here from incourage and read this post and almost cried. I feel this too. You are an encourager who need encouragement. How difficult it is to find peace in God alone.. . I struggle too my friend.
    If you have a quiet moment, have a peek at my post for today. . you will see what I mean.
    I will pray for you. . pray for me too? Blessings new friend. :)